And if they watch you

And if they watch you have a nervous breakdown, frequent panic and anxiety attacks complete with hyperventilation and uncontrollable shaking, and they step over you on the floor and say "What do you want me to do? Do you want me to move out?"  And you want to scream at them "What the FUCK are you talking about???  I don't want you to move out I just want you to stop hurting me!!"  But you can't say anything because you just can't believe what just came out of his mouth.  So you just sit there crying uncontrollably and wonder what hell you are living in when you thought it was heaven.

This sums it all up very concisely

two innocent souls

two innocent souls depend on me

Ok i was stupid for going to school.

Can someone just please help me get a job that pays a living wage.
There are only 24 hours in a day and I can only work so many.

I need help.
I am drowning under 90,000 student loan debt.

I stayed in school for so long because I could not afford to live.
I thought it would pay off in the end though.
Well, a small part of me did.  The other part of me knew it was just
a waste of my time.

But I got the education and now I can't even get a retail job.

I am trying hard not to end up on the street with 2 dogs.

Somebody please help me.

I am only living to die

why god why

why did this happen to me?

I can't get out from under this.

help me please

somebody please help me. 

Please

I don't have anyone.

I don't have any family

Please I need help

I need help

Can someone please help me

Can someone please help me.

I am drowning.  I am trying so hard.
I am grinding all my teeth out of my head.  I can't afford the dentist.
I am sick, I can't afford the doctor.
I need a new alternator in my car, new hot water heater.
My back is in pain.
The tinitus is so bad in my ears I can't fall asleep.
The ringing in my ears gets louder every day.
I work all the time and still can't say above water.
I know I was wrong to think I had a husband who would help.
I wrapped up so much of my future in the fact we would have each other.
My plan was contingent upon having him.
He left me holding the bag and with a huge burden on my shoulders.
I am going to be out on the street very soon.
I hope every day that I don't have to stay in this world much longer because
it is getting too hard and overwhelming.

I am drowning.

I am packing and selling and planning for this to happen but I am trying to avoid it.
I don't have any family.

Wael was all I had.
Wael was all I had.

Please help if you can.

https://paypal.me/imanelwan


Thank you.

why

why

I need help

I need help please. I am drowning

Time

br />

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

all i have

all i have left is a sincere heart

I will die with a sincere heart

to say

The only thing that matters

change your thinking

Because of who they are

in this dream

In this dream I was sleeping.  I needed to be packing but I had become overwhelmed with trying to part with the precious memories of all I had left in my life.  I wasn't getting very far because with each item I attempted to sell, pack, throw away or give away I had paused to take in the memory.  I held each book in my hand, opening it and running my fingers lightly across the pages.  I recalled the words in The Sentimental Person's Guide to Decluttering that said books and clothes will mold and rot away in time.  But each book I held in my hands had held up remarkably well.  Some of them began their journey in this world in Coliseum Books on W. 57th Street.  Some of them still bore my stamp declaring they were the property of CTM of 2823 Sedgwick Avenue, Bronx, New York 10468.  Some of them moved from NY to Florida then to Indiana, then flew in a plane across the ocean to Cairo and back to the US again.  They had held up remarkably well considering.  I only lost 2 books to mold upon their return to the US and they were directly under a leaky window in the spare bedroom in our Maadi apartment so I suspect they had become wet.  Some of the edges were yellowed, some showed wear marks from having been carried in my purse, some were full of highlights and pen marks and notes.  Others were as clean as the day I bought them.  They had been read but kept in pristine condition to reread when I would have the luxury of time.  Sadly this time will never come.  Some books even smelled like Cairo.  Everything that I touched had some memory attached to it.

Being a psychic with the skill of psychometry is hard.  I don't consider myself a hoarder.  I certainly don't keep trash or pick up things on the side of the road to bring home.  I don't have a particular thing I am particularly attached to.  I get attached to the things when I can feel their memories.  When I touch something I feel the memory, I feel the history and I am transported back to that place and time.  When your husband has left you and all you have left are they physical things that existed in the same time and space - then these things become very important to the preservation of that time in your life.  Facing homelessness, once again, I find myself - once again - standing in front of a dumpster deciding what to keep and what to toss.  I must keep only those things that will fit into a 5 x 5 climate controlled storage room in Colorado Springs.  It's Swedish Death Cleaning.  What do you want to leave your heirs and will they feel the same way about the things you are leaving them as you do?  Probably not.  But you sort and sort until what you have left represents the very best of the best memories and you hope that upon your passing, they open the boxes and feel the same memories on the objects that you feel.

So I took a nap.  And I dreamed that I should have been working but I was napping.  I heard a phone ringing and became lucid for a minute.  I have magic jack phone line close the the edge of the couch where I sleep.  Sometimes it rings when I sleep.  I told myself, the phone must be ringing now.  In my dream I rose from the couch and walked to the other end of the house and found the phone on top of my printer (that is not where it is in reality).  I was surprised to hear it ringing and excited at the same time because no one ever calls me.  No one ever calls me.  I answered the phone and was even more exited to hear Wael's voice on the other end of the line.  "I just reread all your love letters.  They are beautiful. Don't throw them away," he told me.  "Don't delete anything."

No.  I won't.








12121215

Two ways to be fooled

There are two ways to be fooled.

One is to believe what isn’t true;

the other is to refuse to believe what is true.

               Soren Kierkegaard

[Repost] Do Narcissists know what they are doing

https://www.quora.com/Do-narcissists-know-what-they%E2%80%99re-doing

[Repost] Is he treating the new supply better

By the way, this woman died from breast cancer not long after the final discard, still hoping that he would have loved her.

Treating new supply better

https://www.quora.com/Is-the-narcissist-treating-the-new-supply-better

[Repost] NPD

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/narcissistic-personality-disorder

[Repost] Survival guide for living with a narcissist

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/the-survival-guide-living-narcissist

I swear

I am telling the truth.

Only one person so far has ever said to me they believe me...

Please believe me.

Please believe me.

God help me

God help me.

that ever happened