Wednesday, January 30, 2019
Tuesday, January 29, 2019
Sunday, January 27, 2019
[REPOST] Covert Narcissist
Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/toxic-relationships/201901/all-you-should-know-about-covert-narcissist
By:
Darlene Lancer, JD, LMFT
Toxic Relationships
The Covert Narcissist
There are several subtypes of narcissists. Among them are covert narcissists. Psychoanalyst James Masterson first identified the “Closet Narcissist”—someone deflated, with an inadequate self-perception. Lacking the aggressiveness of the exhibitionistic narcissist, they’re more prone to depression and feelings of emptiness or like things are falling apart. This subtype has also been referred to as a “covert narcissist,” “vulnerable narcissist,” or "introverted narcissist." Take a quiz to see if you're one, but don't rely on it conclusively without speaking to a mental health provider.
On the surface, they can be hard to identify. These narcissists may appear shy, humble, or anxious. Their gratification may be indirect through their emotional investment in someone they admire. They take things personally and feel distrustful, mistreated, unappreciated, and misunderstood. Although they devalue themselves, they dream of greatness and wonder why people don't appreciate and understand them.
They still qualify for narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), particularly feeling special and wanting admiration (perhaps secretly), lacking empathy, and feeling entitled. They’re still self-centered and expect special treatment. They often feel that their specialness is not appreciated, that they’re misunderstood, or that people or the world at large hasn’t sufficiently recognized their uniqueness. Some play the role of victim and a martyr.
Saturday, January 26, 2019
distorted version of reality
Wael's version of reality is distorted by faulty wiring that leads him to believe what he sees is the truth and everyone else is wrong. Hence, when I tried to show him proof of his narcissistic behavior he can only say "Well, I don't see it and nobody else sees it."
First of all he CANNOT see it. The very nature of the disorder is to protect the psyche from pain. He does not want to see that. Cognitive dissonance makes him actually believe the false reality he has constructed and everyone else looks wrong. It is like someone putting on rose colored glasses and believing that everyone and everything is red because that is how he sees it.
A narcissist is highly moldable and can morph themselves into who are what the target victim wants. He readily admits this too because Wael once said to me "I know how to make people like me." So therefore, to me, he appeared to be a kind, loving individual who was sensitive. That is what he showed me to "hook" me into his fold. Then when I noticed different behaviors over the course of the years, I always believed he could get back to this person he showed me in the beginning. But that was not possible because it was an act of morphing into what he perceived I needed and wanted.
I urge all his current friends and associates to keep this in mind when dealing with him. When listening to his explanations of what happened with me. Because I guarantee I was blindsided with a cold and cruel discard. I was dumped. Don't listen to his distorted version. He tells people what he believes to be the truth based on what he sees through the glasses of distortion. He is not aware that his reality looks different from the actual reality. He actually believes that what he sees is the truth. This is different from someone who is being intentionally deceitful. No, Wael actually believes his version because his brain processes the information differently. One of Wael's favorite projections onto me was to say that "I live in my own reality." It was him.
First of all he CANNOT see it. The very nature of the disorder is to protect the psyche from pain. He does not want to see that. Cognitive dissonance makes him actually believe the false reality he has constructed and everyone else looks wrong. It is like someone putting on rose colored glasses and believing that everyone and everything is red because that is how he sees it.
A narcissist is highly moldable and can morph themselves into who are what the target victim wants. He readily admits this too because Wael once said to me "I know how to make people like me." So therefore, to me, he appeared to be a kind, loving individual who was sensitive. That is what he showed me to "hook" me into his fold. Then when I noticed different behaviors over the course of the years, I always believed he could get back to this person he showed me in the beginning. But that was not possible because it was an act of morphing into what he perceived I needed and wanted.
I urge all his current friends and associates to keep this in mind when dealing with him. When listening to his explanations of what happened with me. Because I guarantee I was blindsided with a cold and cruel discard. I was dumped. Don't listen to his distorted version. He tells people what he believes to be the truth based on what he sees through the glasses of distortion. He is not aware that his reality looks different from the actual reality. He actually believes that what he sees is the truth. This is different from someone who is being intentionally deceitful. No, Wael actually believes his version because his brain processes the information differently. One of Wael's favorite projections onto me was to say that "I live in my own reality." It was him.
Friday, January 25, 2019
he knows he is a toxic person
he knows he is a toxic person
he said "if I am so bad why would you want to be with me?"
He knows.
That is what makes it worse.
he said "if I am so bad why would you want to be with me?"
He knows.
That is what makes it worse.
All I asked
All I asked him to do was stop hurting me.
He is not capable of stopping
I did not know a person's heart could be so cold and hard for someone they supposedly loved
He is not capable of stopping
I did not know a person's heart could be so cold and hard for someone they supposedly loved
he can't understand
he can't understand why i am angry and resentful.
Because in his reality this was just a normal thing...
Because in his reality this was just a normal thing...
Thursday, January 24, 2019
He May want love
he May want to be married and want a relationship but his mental illness makes it impossible for him to have anything other than a chaotic mess created by his false reality and very real unchangeable mental illness.
Anyone who is healthy will recognize it and get out immediately like Elena.
Anyone who is empathic or a caretaker will put up with it until it causes them to explode as it did me.
It is no wonder Wael’s biggest fear is dying alone.
He knows this is his destiny.
He knows he will destroy anything that tries to love him.
Anyone who is healthy will recognize it and get out immediately like Elena.
Anyone who is empathic or a caretaker will put up with it until it causes them to explode as it did me.
It is no wonder Wael’s biggest fear is dying alone.
He knows this is his destiny.
He knows he will destroy anything that tries to love him.
Wednesday, January 23, 2019
his own medicine
I hope everyone this man comes into contact with for the rest of his life sees him for what he is.
Sees the truth that this person is a wolf in sheeps clothing, that this person would destroy anyone that loves him, that this person only sees value in you if you can provide some service to his life...
I don't know what you call it - but I call it a worthless piece of shit.
He thinks he has everyone fooled but the truth is he only keeps the people who are fooled by his bullshit inside the bubble. Everyone else is kicked out. A self created environment is easy to control. The truth is something else entirely.
Sees the truth that this person is a wolf in sheeps clothing, that this person would destroy anyone that loves him, that this person only sees value in you if you can provide some service to his life...
I don't know what you call it - but I call it a worthless piece of shit.
He thinks he has everyone fooled but the truth is he only keeps the people who are fooled by his bullshit inside the bubble. Everyone else is kicked out. A self created environment is easy to control. The truth is something else entirely.
they know and don't care
no heart
cold
uncaring
selfish
annoyed by your emotions and feelings
yes
exactly
cold
uncaring
selfish
annoyed by your emotions and feelings
yes
exactly
Wael once told me
Every time I tried to talk to Wael he told me to get the fuck away from him (for a really long time)
He told me on many occasions to go find a new person to talk to.
Well, that's exactly what I am doing. I talk to the world everyday now to anyone who will listen about this man and what he did to me.
As long as he is not going to take accountability and realize that HE is responsible for his actions, then what choice do I have. I know the truth.
He threw away a good person in me. I loved him, I was loyal, I was faithful, I did everything possible to make him happy.... as long as he cannot see that his own issues caused him to treat me horribly and destroy me then I hope he will read my book and remember every moment like I do everyday.
He told me on many occasions to go find a new person to talk to.
Well, that's exactly what I am doing. I talk to the world everyday now to anyone who will listen about this man and what he did to me.
As long as he is not going to take accountability and realize that HE is responsible for his actions, then what choice do I have. I know the truth.
He threw away a good person in me. I loved him, I was loyal, I was faithful, I did everything possible to make him happy.... as long as he cannot see that his own issues caused him to treat me horribly and destroy me then I hope he will read my book and remember every moment like I do everyday.
Tuesday, January 22, 2019
Saturday, January 19, 2019
Friday, January 18, 2019
gushots
Gunshots outside in my neighborhood on a Friday night. Just another day in shitville.
Somebody help me get out of this place please.
I have to get out of this horrible unsafe neighborhood
9:26 pm
Somebody help me get out of this place please.
I have to get out of this horrible unsafe neighborhood
9:26 pm
Thursday, January 17, 2019
[REPOST] From The survival guide to living with a narcissist
Excerpt from original article written by Elinor Greenberg appears here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/understanding-narcissism/201710/the-survival-guide-living-narcissist
This has little or nothing to do with you. Early in the relationship, they are likely to see you as perfect, flawless, and special (all-good). Then, as they get to know you and begin to see the imperfections that we all have and the ways that you differ from their ideal fantasy mate, they are likely to switch to seeing you as irredeemably flawed (all-bad).
Happiness is temporary: This lack of “whole object relations” plays itself out during the relationship on a moment-to-moment basis. This makes any happiness that the two of you ever feel together temporary and fragile. It is vulnerable to being disrupted unexpectedly because narcissists are so hypersensitive and unable to maintain a stable, positive image of you when they feel angry, hurt, disappointed, or frustrated by you.
Narcissists lack “object constancy:” In essence, this means that the moment that your narcissistic mate feels something negative, it disrupts the positive connection between you, and everything positive flies out the window. Your whole positive history with them and everything nice that you have ever done for them is now totally out of their awareness. You are left wondering how this can happen: one minute your mate is totally loving and the two of you are so happy, the next minute your mate hates you.
Tuesday, January 15, 2019
Dear Kelly
My dear friend in Heaven,
I miss you so much it hurts me. I think about you so often and how we would spend countless afternoons sitting on your porch or by your pool smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. A few months ago I smelled a very strong perfume smell and I immediately thought it was you.
I'm sorry I missed all your last phone calls to me. The shit really hit the fan with Wael at the end of 2016 and I have been suffering since then. I shut myself out from everyone and everything. I stay alone only with only my dogs. I wish you hadn't died because I could really use you . here right now, but that is selfish of me. I know how much physical pain you were in with the cancer at the end. I know you are in a better place - a place I long to be too. I often listen to your messages on my voicemail saying "Hi I-man it's Kelly..." I am sorry I did not make an effort to come to Seattle to see you. I should have.
I found this prayer card that you wrote for me in one of my old books. I remember the day you gave it to me in Toledo when I returned from Egypt with my dog in 2010. I remember how much you and Terry tried to help me during that time because Wael was having one of his episodes and was really being hard on me. I remember how Terry talked to him and tried to reassure him though his episode of paranoia. You were my only friend who knew the truth about what was happening in my marriage - but that was because you understood. I never forget how in 2005 you told me not to marry and Egyptian (Terry was so mad at you for telling me that). I didn't listen to you because I fell in love with an Egyptian three years later. I appreciate how Terry tried to talk sense to Wael - but I didn't realize at the time that it was not possible.
I wish you were here now Kelly, because you are the only one who knows - who witnessed the reality of what I went through with him. The sort of good news is that I finally figured out what is wrong with Wael. He has a personality disorder. He's had it forever - at least since he was a teenager or younger. I know what you would say though - I can hear you now - how you always said everyone in Egypt was mentally ill. I'm sorry I missed you when you came to Egypt. It would have been really cool for us to have been able to hang out there after years of not seeing each other. I am sorry I lost touch with you during those early years of my move to Egypt.
I know you know now, that I was angry at you for a time because you hurt me very badly. I am happy that we were able to put that behind us in 2009. You were a generous person to me and to Michael and to Wael when we visited in December. You really understood me and I understood you. I am sorry you got sick and suffered so much at the end of your life. I am sorry you did not get to see your husband again before you passed. I hope you hear me when I talk to you and I ask you to find Wael's mother and DeeAnne and Wael's father and for all of you to pray for him to be rid of this horrible crippling mental illness. I know it's not the same as the cancer and physical ailments you passed from, but I know you understand how damaging a mental illness is. I ask you four to heal him just about everyday. Sometimes I do feel a light touch on my face so I know someone is there. I know someone is listening.
I miss you terribly Kelly and want nothing more than to have a cup of coffee and a smoke with you. I wish you were here because that is what I would do right now. I love you my friend. Thank you for these words on this card you gave me. It means so much to me now to have something with your handwriting - something you touched.
I hope to see you very soon.
Iman
I miss you so much it hurts me. I think about you so often and how we would spend countless afternoons sitting on your porch or by your pool smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. A few months ago I smelled a very strong perfume smell and I immediately thought it was you.
I'm sorry I missed all your last phone calls to me. The shit really hit the fan with Wael at the end of 2016 and I have been suffering since then. I shut myself out from everyone and everything. I stay alone only with only my dogs. I wish you hadn't died because I could really use you . here right now, but that is selfish of me. I know how much physical pain you were in with the cancer at the end. I know you are in a better place - a place I long to be too. I often listen to your messages on my voicemail saying "Hi I-man it's Kelly..." I am sorry I did not make an effort to come to Seattle to see you. I should have.
I found this prayer card that you wrote for me in one of my old books. I remember the day you gave it to me in Toledo when I returned from Egypt with my dog in 2010. I remember how much you and Terry tried to help me during that time because Wael was having one of his episodes and was really being hard on me. I remember how Terry talked to him and tried to reassure him though his episode of paranoia. You were my only friend who knew the truth about what was happening in my marriage - but that was because you understood. I never forget how in 2005 you told me not to marry and Egyptian (Terry was so mad at you for telling me that). I didn't listen to you because I fell in love with an Egyptian three years later. I appreciate how Terry tried to talk sense to Wael - but I didn't realize at the time that it was not possible.
I wish you were here now Kelly, because you are the only one who knows - who witnessed the reality of what I went through with him. The sort of good news is that I finally figured out what is wrong with Wael. He has a personality disorder. He's had it forever - at least since he was a teenager or younger. I know what you would say though - I can hear you now - how you always said everyone in Egypt was mentally ill. I'm sorry I missed you when you came to Egypt. It would have been really cool for us to have been able to hang out there after years of not seeing each other. I am sorry I lost touch with you during those early years of my move to Egypt.
I know you know now, that I was angry at you for a time because you hurt me very badly. I am happy that we were able to put that behind us in 2009. You were a generous person to me and to Michael and to Wael when we visited in December. You really understood me and I understood you. I am sorry you got sick and suffered so much at the end of your life. I am sorry you did not get to see your husband again before you passed. I hope you hear me when I talk to you and I ask you to find Wael's mother and DeeAnne and Wael's father and for all of you to pray for him to be rid of this horrible crippling mental illness. I know it's not the same as the cancer and physical ailments you passed from, but I know you understand how damaging a mental illness is. I ask you four to heal him just about everyday. Sometimes I do feel a light touch on my face so I know someone is there. I know someone is listening.
I miss you terribly Kelly and want nothing more than to have a cup of coffee and a smoke with you. I wish you were here because that is what I would do right now. I love you my friend. Thank you for these words on this card you gave me. It means so much to me now to have something with your handwriting - something you touched.
I hope to see you very soon.
Iman
things found tucked away in books
I carried a picture of us in 2010 but I'm not sure why I had a ripped up 50 LE note.
No one
I heard this song playing when I was grocery shopping in Colorado.
It froze me in my tracks because it reminded me this was the song that played in the car when I first arrived in Cairo and we were driving from the airport to Maadi.
I remember how I felt about Wael then and how although we never had an official song, each time I hear this it reminds me of that day and that moment.
It froze me in my tracks because it reminded me this was the song that played in the car when I first arrived in Cairo and we were driving from the airport to Maadi.
I remember how I felt about Wael then and how although we never had an official song, each time I hear this it reminds me of that day and that moment.
The new website
As I mentioned some time back, I had planned to start a new website once I really started working on the book.
This website (Everything is Dusty) will remain as the resource for reposting informative articles I will use as research for my writing. The new one is going to be more about sharing my actual experience and beginning to put the story together for the book.
I am hoping to crowdfund some money to hire a professional editor because I am not a good writer (anymore).
I spent Christmas day sitting alone eating ramen noodles and listening to hours of audio recordings that I made when I was attempting to document the abuse. As I sat there and listened I found myself with tears streaming uncontrollably down my face as I relived the pain I felt hearing his hurtful words and they way he projected and deflected. I realized a few things.
This website (Everything is Dusty) will remain as the resource for reposting informative articles I will use as research for my writing. The new one is going to be more about sharing my actual experience and beginning to put the story together for the book.
I am hoping to crowdfund some money to hire a professional editor because I am not a good writer (anymore).
I spent Christmas day sitting alone eating ramen noodles and listening to hours of audio recordings that I made when I was attempting to document the abuse. As I sat there and listened I found myself with tears streaming uncontrollably down my face as I relived the pain I felt hearing his hurtful words and they way he projected and deflected. I realized a few things.
- I am not ok. This wound is still raw. I still have a heart full of love for a person who saw me as an object and never as a whole person.
- More than ever I want to get things down on paper - no so much because I think it will help anyone else but because of Wael's constant denial of the facts and his refusal to fix things, I really need to document the truth. I am not writing a my story because I want to save other women from the same fate. There is already more than enough articles and self help books out there. I don't want to be an expert in covert narcissism and the methods of abuse. I only want to share my very real and personal experience. I want to be heard. I want to be believed.
- The only person I want to be heard by will never listen or hear me so nothing else matters to me.
- I still smell him and feel him when I close my eyes. Sometimes when I have my eyes closed and I start to doze off I can't remember where I am. I begin to have sensations of feeling that I am back in Cairo and back in 2008 - 2009 and I pray that when I open my eyes that is really where I am.
- This book is not going to be pretty and I will even share things about myself that will be deeply personal. I don't care how people see me as a result. I am honest.
- I don't care if no one is listening - if I reach only one person that will be enough.
In addition to the new website, I have started a facebook page for the book project. This will be a much better way to record videos and I can also do live broadcasts.
The new website is here: http://npdbpd.home.blog
I am not ok
I am losing hope about everything.
I am losing hope.
I am losing hope.
I really loved that man.
I really had no idea what was going on.
I really have a hard time accepting that it was all an illusion.
I wanted it to be real so badly.
It is hard to accept that it was not.
I do believe he wanted to be loved.
It is obvious he really is afraid of dying alone.
I do believe he is not aware of what he has done.
I do hope that he spends some time in his life reflecting on what he did - I hope he becomes aware of it. I hope he is able to understand.
His personality disorder destroyed me. He allowed it to destroy me.
I am losing hope.
I am losing hope.
I really loved that man.
I really had no idea what was going on.
I really have a hard time accepting that it was all an illusion.
I wanted it to be real so badly.
It is hard to accept that it was not.
I do believe he wanted to be loved.
It is obvious he really is afraid of dying alone.
I do believe he is not aware of what he has done.
I do hope that he spends some time in his life reflecting on what he did - I hope he becomes aware of it. I hope he is able to understand.
His personality disorder destroyed me. He allowed it to destroy me.
he is never going to get it
he is just never going to get it
It is a disaster that so many good people are afflicted with this awful condition.
If he was not sick - Wael would be a wonderful person.
It is a disaster that so many good people are afflicted with this awful condition.
If he was not sick - Wael would be a wonderful person.
[REPOST] Why you should not feel sorry for the narcissist
Original article appears here: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/why-you-should-not-feel-sorry-for-the-narcissist_us_58b7433ae4b0563cd36f646a
Written by: Julie L. Hall,
Written by: Julie L. Hall,
Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
The Call of the Caretaker
If you are a caring compassionate person, it is natural to feel sorry for others who suffer, including the narcissist. If you’re especially empathetic, it is your “normal” to feel others’ pain and to try to caretake them on the road toward peace and happiness. From social workers to teachers, therapists to animal welfare providers, civil rights advocates to artists, nurses to doctors, many people make “helping” their life’s work.
Taking care of others can be deeply rewarding, but it comes with risks and the need for firm boundaries. For professionals attempting to treat Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), the results are limited at best. For those living with NPD in partners or parents, day-to-day life can be painfully challenging, with no solutions in sight.
The Narcissist as Tragic Figure
The narcissist is believed to have experienced a profoundly defining emotional injury at a very young age. “Narcissist injury” may be the result of abuse, loss, or a mixture of such deprivation with overindulgence and/or a highly sensitive nature.
Fundamentally, narcissists are stuck emotionally at the approximate developmental level of a three year old, and consequently they lack the most basic ability to care about the feelings, needs, and perspectives of others. Yet, as savvy adults, their powers of manipulation are off the charts.
At first glance, the narcissist may appear to be a tragically sympathetic figure. But the catch, and it’s a big one, is that narcissists are pathologically selfish and often stunningly cruel.
The Pathology of Narcissism: Overt and Covert
Those with NPD aren’t just more self-centered than most of us on the human continuum. They are, in fact, severely lacking in or altogether devoid of empathy and as a result are capable of terrible moral and legal crimes, all serving to prop the larger-than-life false self they have constructed to supplant their feelings of essential worthlessness.
Whether extroverted or introverted, narcissists assert a self that is superior, entitled, and above reproach. They are driven to continuously make a display of their grandiose “needs” at the expense of others. They do not take responsibility for their words or actions. They believe they deserve special treatment. They only “give” conditionally to get back. And they utilize a wide toolkit to get their way.
While their extravagant and manipulative agendas come from the same pathology, narcissists of the overt type are more obviously aggressive, using ridicule and rage, while covert narcissists are passive-aggressive, using guilt and pity-plays.
Narcissist Abuse Tactics
Narcissists use many strategies to get their way, assert their grandeur, and avoid accountability. Here are classic narcissist tactics:
1. criticizes
2. competes
3. violates boundaries
4. manipulates
5. terrorizes
6. lies
7. blames
8. shames
9. belittles
10. ridicules
11. denies
12. projects
13. gaslights
14. deflects
15. plays the victim
Reforming the Narcissist?
Have a narcissist parent, spouse, lover, or friend? Forget right now about reforming them. It may sound unbearably harsh, but reforming a hardcore narcissist is a debilitating delusion. Look online at major narcissist abuse recovery websites and social media forums, and you will discover a galaxy of hurt.
And the hurt doesn’t end with break up. For those who share children, the harm continues, even escalates, through custody battles and coparenting nightmares.
Narcissists are masterful at hooking people, dangling their finest bait to attract their next blood meal. The bait is typically intense idealization: excessive attentiveness and flattery; abrupt expressions of intimacy; and sudden, premature declarations of love and commitment. For the noncommittal narcissist, devaluation follows the idealization phase. As quickly as s/he exalted you, s/he launches a litany of criticisms, complaints, and “rational” reasons for rage.
But even as the narcissist’s cast off, you are likely to find that the hook in your mouth lodges deeper the more you try to free yourself.
Why You Should Not Feel Sorry for the Narcissist
If it is not already screamingly evident, feeling sorry for the narcissist is an invitation to being abused and victimized—idealized, devalued, and rejected; or, worse, agonizingly anchored. Go ahead and feel sympathy from a distance and empathy from another continent, but do not tell yourself that you are “the one” to heal the narcissist.
The narcissist cannot and will never love you as you need and deserve to be loved. S/he will harm your children and larger family. In short, s/he will become your biggest regret.
Julie L. Hall is the author of the forthcoming memoir, Carry You, about life, and a few near deaths, in a narcissistic family. Read excerpts. Her articles on narcissism regularly appear in The Huffington Post.
All I really want
All I really want is for him to say:
Yes. I do have Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorder.
Yes. As a result of that, I did often mistreat you verbally.
Yes. I did project.
Yes. I did not cope properly with small problems.
Yes. I often created chaos within our marriage as a result of my inability to cope with things that I now know are normal, everyday problems.
Yes. I did wrong to you and by you.
Yes. I did ruin your life.
I take responsibility for all that.
And for that I am truly sorry.
But the narcissist never TAKES RESPONSIBILITY.
He wants forgiveness. I will not forgive because he takes no responsibility.
He denies my reality and claims that I just have different memories than him.
That is true. The narcissist never faces anything bad in themselves.
Yes. I do have Borderline and Narcissistic personality disorder.
Yes. As a result of that, I did often mistreat you verbally.
Yes. I did project.
Yes. I did not cope properly with small problems.
Yes. I often created chaos within our marriage as a result of my inability to cope with things that I now know are normal, everyday problems.
Yes. I did wrong to you and by you.
Yes. I did ruin your life.
I take responsibility for all that.
And for that I am truly sorry.
But the narcissist never TAKES RESPONSIBILITY.
He wants forgiveness. I will not forgive because he takes no responsibility.
He denies my reality and claims that I just have different memories than him.
That is true. The narcissist never faces anything bad in themselves.
Yes, I am angry
I am angry that he will not take responsibility.
I am angry that he walked away unscathed and shut me out of his life with the flip of a switch.
This is not normal.
This is NPD
And this is how I am left emotionally, physically and financially
This is exactly what it feels like
I am angry that he walked away unscathed and shut me out of his life with the flip of a switch.
This is not normal.
This is NPD
And this is how I am left emotionally, physically and financially
This is exactly what it feels like
Monday, January 14, 2019
Do not dismiss me
The BPD/NPD does not ever, ever see anything wrong in his behavior.
He offers prayers for me, yet he is the one who broke and abandoned me.
He tells you, "well I call and check up on her" (isn't that nice of me).
He says he has forgiven me. FORGIVEN ME FOR WHAT? For reacting to the abuse, that's what.
Everything I did - every single reaction I had, was a normal reaction to the abuse, the projections, and the constant barrage of blame and vitriol he put on me.
Educate yourself.
Learn what narcissism is. Wael knows. He knows.
But he will deny and try to silence me. Once I put my foot down and refused to allow it to continue,
suddenly he needed to be free of me.
Why?
Because I had finally figured him completely out. And I was pushing him to face it within himself.
It is too hard for the NPD/BPD to do this.
He must silence me by telling everyone in his life mistruths about me and why we are no longer together.
He must keep me away from all the new people in his life the same way that he hid me from DeeAnne and her from me by always telling me to stay quiet when he was on the phone with her.
If we had talked - she might have given me some warning...
It all makes sense now.
But I am here to speak the truth. My book is the truth.
The hours of audio recordings I have are the truth.
I know what I went through.
I know that I chased that high that I felt when I first met Wael and he presented himself as the perfect husband.
I waited, and waited, for that person to come back. For the storm clouds to pass -
NEVER KNOWING that was all an illusion.
I tried to love him. I did love him. I stayed with him even after realizing something was horribly wrong.
I lived with constant conflict.
Constant chaos.
I tiptoed around him so not to wake the sleeping giant within.
I threw material things and food and drink at him to keep him distracted and pacified so not to see that bad side.
I spun webs and wore myself out trying to keep him satisfied so much so that my own health, needs and happiness were sacrificed.
I was subconsciously putting forth a never-ending effort to please a pathologically miserable person.
I got up on that roller coaster, got spun around in a dizzying cloud of confusion all the while carrying the entire burden of responsibility for our lives on my shoulders.
Stupidly, I expected to be rewarded in the end.
I wrongly thought that Wael would emerge from the darkness, that the fog would lift and the clouds
would part and he would suddenly see the light -
I wrongly believed he would become lucid and look at himself and say
"what the fuck am I doing to this woman who loves me?"
Yes, I waited for that. I believed and I waited and I waited and I believed.
I had no idea that not only would it never happen, but that is was not possible.
Everyone in the narcissists life is completely fungible.
But I needed to hear it.
I heard the sorry tearful begging apology when he had no where else to go, but
even then I had begun to suspect something else was at play. I resisted but
he forced his way back in.
And even then I waited for a sincere apology and a definitive action that would
back up the words: "I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I want to take care of my family."
Predictably that never came either.
The only thing that came was the discard.
He broke me.
He wore me out like and old pair of shoes - then shoved me in a bag destined for the thrift shop.
If I was a dog, he would have driven me out to a desolated road in the middle of the night and opened the door.
Yes, I loved that man. The one who would blame me for everything wrong in his life.
The one who would see me as an object and not a person.
The one who would talk over me if I tried to discuss my feelings, the one who shut me
down at every chance he got because "he was tired" or "he didn't have time for that."
I loved him and I waited for him to tell me.
I needed to hear it. I needed to hear it so badly.
My psyche searches for it now in dreams.
He may tell you now or in the future that I want him.
That's only partially true.
I want what I thought he was. What he managed to show me when it was convenient for him
or served him in some way.
That was what I wanted - who I thought he was.
But this man is a user, a liar, a cheater, a self-serving, cold and heartless individual who cannot sustain an intimate interpersonal relationship due to his lack of emotion, empathy, or ability to cope and be sincere with his own feelings. He should have a guilty conscience - if only he had one of those.
I don't want him.
I don't want that.
An open letter to my husband's next target and to his friends and coworkers: He will ruin your life
PART ONE
Some of you may know me but most of you probably don't. I was married to Wael Elwan from 2008 to 2016. Some of you may have heard about me and I'm sure that what you heard contained a lot of omissions on Wael's part. See, he is great at telling only his side of the story with is peppered with selective amnesia and denial common to a person who has a personality disorder. I know what you are thinking - you all think Wael is a great guy and don't believe that he has anything wrong with him. I was once in your shoes too and if someone had told me horrible things about this man I would not have believed it either. But I want to tell the real story - the whole truth - and if you choose to read it I urge you to really look below the surface. Eventually you will see the cracks and depending on the nature of your relationship to Wael, you may see even deeper behind the mask to the truly ugly side. The side that is passive-aggressive, verbally abusive and deeply pained. I hope that you will read these words and let them serve as a warning of what is to come. I was once in your shoes.
The last time I saw Wael he was shoving me out of the way so he could get out the door. Yes, I had stepped in front of him and tried to get him to look me in the eyes. "Why are you doing this to me? Why?" I wanted to know. I told Wael that I would spend the rest of my life telling this story. And I will. This is my side of the story. I will speak the truth. I will be fair and include things from his point of view. I can do that now because I understand the pathology of the personality disorder. I know the motivation behind the behavior that confused me and confounded me and destroyed for years. But I am a fair and honest person. There is nothing more dangerous than a single narrative.
This is my husband and I on the day we got married
People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to view the world in terms of black-and-white, or all-or-nothing thinking. Their tendency to see the world in black-or-white (polarized) terms makes it easy for them to misinterpret the actions and motivations of others.
Some of you may know me but most of you probably don't. I was married to Wael Elwan from 2008 to 2016. Some of you may have heard about me and I'm sure that what you heard contained a lot of omissions on Wael's part. See, he is great at telling only his side of the story with is peppered with selective amnesia and denial common to a person who has a personality disorder. I know what you are thinking - you all think Wael is a great guy and don't believe that he has anything wrong with him. I was once in your shoes too and if someone had told me horrible things about this man I would not have believed it either. But I want to tell the real story - the whole truth - and if you choose to read it I urge you to really look below the surface. Eventually you will see the cracks and depending on the nature of your relationship to Wael, you may see even deeper behind the mask to the truly ugly side. The side that is passive-aggressive, verbally abusive and deeply pained. I hope that you will read these words and let them serve as a warning of what is to come. I was once in your shoes.
The last time I saw Wael he was shoving me out of the way so he could get out the door. Yes, I had stepped in front of him and tried to get him to look me in the eyes. "Why are you doing this to me? Why?" I wanted to know. I told Wael that I would spend the rest of my life telling this story. And I will. This is my side of the story. I will speak the truth. I will be fair and include things from his point of view. I can do that now because I understand the pathology of the personality disorder. I know the motivation behind the behavior that confused me and confounded me and destroyed for years. But I am a fair and honest person. There is nothing more dangerous than a single narrative.
This is my husband and I on the day we got married
He's pretty handsome ,isn't he? Yeah, I thought so too. Although the day we met in Colorado Springs in 2007 I really didn't like him very much. There was something that seemed a bit off and I just couldn't put my finger on it. But over the course of 4 days that we spent together I ended up falling in love with him. We had actually met online nearly 8 months earlier and regularly talked on the phone. I was planning on moving to Cairo and needed a place to live and I contacted Wael through a website for travelers. At most I was hoping for a place to crash until I moved to Alexandria to do my TEFL program, but fate had a different plan. The first time I spoke to Wael on the phone I nervously told him that I had a 100 pound Rottweiler and she needed to stay in the house with me (previous users I had contacted expressed displeasure with the idea of the dog being inside), but Wael did not hesitate to say "That's ok - I love dogs and she can stay with me when you go to Alexandria." I found out later that from the time of our initial contact online to our actual meeting Wael would sit and stare at my profile photo on the website. I have to admit I was attracted to his photo too - he had a beaming smile. But still there was something not quite right. After our initial meeting in Colorado Springs just 8 weeks before my expected arrival in Cairo Wael continued to call me but his attitude had changed. He was pushing me away. Something about this seemed very odd to me but again, I ignored it. The day I arrived in Cairo he was waiting for me at the airport and if looks could kill he looked at me with such disdain and condensation. I remember walking out of the airport and seeing him standing there looking at me like that and just felt the blood drain out of my face. I wondered what I had done to upset him. The first few days we spent together were pure hell for me and I spent them locked in my room sleeping. Wael was talking to me is a strange way with a certain condescending tone in his voice (I would later come to recognize this tone as a signal of his disorder). He was pushing me away again and nothing had even started yet. I found out later that during this time he was also sleeping with a knife under his pillow because he thought I was going to kill him and feed him to my dog. I should have seen that a giant red flag too but I didn't.
But what I didn't know at the time, and I didn't know throughout our 8 year marriage was that Wael suffers from a combination of Cluster B disorders that make up Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When I look back at those early red flags, the hint of arrogance, the paranoia, the passive-aggressive condescending manner in which he would speak to me I should have trusted that slight nagging feeling that something was not quite right.
There is a lot more to the story or our early days, but I will save some of the details and stories for the book I am writing:
It's a great title. It's what Wael actually said to me a few weeks before we were to be married. He was sitting in this oversized green arm chair that had cigarette burns on the arm. The chair was so old that when you sat on it, you actually sunk down into it. I was standing in the living room one day and Wael was sitting in that chair. "Don't marry me, I will ruin your life," he said. I could not believe my ears. What the fuck did he just say? I whipped around and saw him sitting there, sunk down in that chair. When I picture it now it reminds me of Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial. His face was ashen and his expression was emotionless. I can't describe it any other way and I will never forget it. Just blank. I didn't know then that it was a moment of clarity - a brief and fleeting lucid moment of self-awareness that I would see a handful a times over the next 8 years. At the time I just attributed what he was saying to a classic case of cold feet, although I had never in my life heard about anyone ever having been told that before. I went to him and sat on his lap and reassured him that I really loved him and wanted to marry him and everything would be ok. Instantly the color came back into his face and a slight smile appeared. I look back on that moment now and see that is clearly shows me that Wael, in fact, knew that he had a problem. He was aware of it. He kept it from me, and in retrospect it serves to remind me that he knew exactly what was wrong with him and he knew exactly what he was going to do to me. He knew exactly how it would turn out. I look back on that moment a lot now particularly when he denies that he did, in fact, ruin my life. It prevents me from accepting the empty apologies that come without accountability and the excuse that he was not aware of his behavior or was not on the right medication, etc. I remember the serious look on his face and the precise conviction in his voice when he uttered the words: I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.
I know you are still thinking that none of what I am saying sounds at all like the Wael Elwan you know. In order to understand why you need to know a few things about Cluster B disorders and Covert Narcissists.
Yes, everyone thinks he is awesome and that is the goal. That is his goal. Because the narcissist is actually someone who feels so low and so self-loathing that they must get all their self-esteem and happiness from an outside source. Before I really get into the details of how that works, especially in Wael's case I want to review (for those of you who may not know) the bullet points of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
[REPOST]
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder* have significant problems with their sense of self-worth stemming from a powerful sense of entitlement. This leads them to believe they deserve special treatment, and to assume they have special powers, are uniquely talented, or that they are especially brilliant or attractive. Their sense of entitlement can lead them to act in ways that fundamentally disregard and disrespect the worth of those around them.
- People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success and power, so much so that they might end up getting lost in their daydreams while they
fantasize about their superior intelligence or stunning beauty. - These people can get so caught up in their fantasies that they don't put any effort into their daily life and don't direct their energies toward accomplishing their goals.
- They may believe that they are special and deserve special treatment, and may display an attitude that is arrogant and haughty.
- This can create a lot of conflict with other people who feel exploited and who dislike being treated in a condescending fashion.
- People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder often feel devastated when they realize that they have normal, average human limitations; that they are not as special as they think, or that others don't admire them as much as they would like.
- These realizations are often accompanied by feelings of intense anger or shame that they sometimes take out on other people.
- Their need to be powerful, and admired, coupled with a lack of empathy for others, makes for conflictual relationships that are often superficial and devoid of real intimacy and caring.
Status is very important to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Associating with famous and special people provides them a sense of importance. These individuals can quickly shift from over-idealizing others to devaluing them.
However, the same is true of their self-judgments. They tend to vacillate between feeling like they have unlimited abilities, and then feeling deflated, worthless, and devastated when they encounter their normal, average human limitations. Despite their bravado, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder require a lot of admiration from other people in order to bolster their own fragile self-esteem. They can be quite manipulative in extracting the necessary attention from those people around them.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder* is one of the most widely studied personality disorders. People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to experience intense and unstable emotions and moods that can shift fairly quickly. They generally have a hard time calming down once they have become upset. As a result, they frequently have angry outbursts and engage in impulsive behaviors such as substance abuse, risky sexual liaisons, self-injury, overspending, or binge eating. These behaviors often function to sooth them in the short-term, but harm them in the longer term.
- People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to see the world in polarized, over-simplified,all-or-nothing terms.
- They apply their harsh either/or judgments to others and to themselves and their perceptions of themselves and others may quickly vacillate back and forth between "all good" and "all bad."
- This tendency leads to an unstable sense of self, so that persons with this disorder tend to have a hard time being consistent.
- They can frequently change careers, relationships, life goals, or residences. Quite often these radical changes occur without any warning or advance preparation.
Black-and-White Thinking and Emotion Dysregulation in Borderline Personality Disorder
People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to view the world in terms of black-and-white, or all-or-nothing thinking. Their tendency to see the world in black-or-white (polarized) terms makes it easy for them to misinterpret the actions and motivations of others.- These polarized thoughts about their relationships with others lead them to experience intense emotional reactions, which in turn interacts with their difficulties in regulating these intense emotions.
- The result is that they will characteristically experience great distress which they cannot easily control and may subsequently engage in self-destructive behaviors as they do their best to cope.
- The intensity of their emotions, coupled with their difficulty regulating these emotions, leads them to act impulsively.
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder include the following:
- Rapid changes in mood
- Intense unstable interpersonal relationships
- Unstable self image
- Issues with abandonment, whether actual or perceived
- Engaging in impulsive behaviors, such as binge eating, substance abuse, or compulsive spending
- Feelings of emptiness
- Difficulty controlling anger
- Dissociative or paranoid symptoms
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Just like Borderline Personality Disorder, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists nine symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you exhibit five of these nine symptoms in a persistent manner, you meet the criteria for diagnosis of NPD:
- An exaggerated sense of one’s own abilities and achievements
- A constant need for attention, affirmation, and praise
- A belief that you are unique or “special,” and should only associate with other people of the same status
- Persistent fantasies about attaining success and power
- Exploiting other people for personal gain
- A sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment
- A preoccupation with power or success
- Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of you
- A lack of empathy for others
NPD and BPD: Similarities and Differences
Narcissistic Personality Disorder can exist on its own, but can also be found co-occurring with Borderline Personality Disorder. Mix and match five out of nine symptoms of NPD with five out of the nine symptoms of BPD, and you get someone who will likely be described at least as “difficult” or “high maintenance,” and who certainly is having a tough time in day-to-day life.
Both people with BPD and with NPD deal with an intense fear of abandonment. Enhancing that fear of abandonment is the fact that sustaining relationships with others in the face of these symptoms is a challenge to say the least. “Intense and stormy relationships” is, in fact, one of the characterizing symptoms of BPD.
In an article for Psychology Today, Susan Heitler, PhD, author and Harvard graduate, describes emotionally healthy functioning in the absence of BPD or NPD: “Emotionally healthy functioning is characterized by ability to hear your own concerns, thoughts, and feelings and also to be responsive to others’ concerns.”
In the world of the narcissist, that second part just isn’t present. Narcissists are unable to step outside of themselves to imagine any weight behind someone else’s opinion. This renders someone with NPD socially and emotionally ineffective, and affects their ability to maintain relationships.
[END REPOST]
Within BPD and NPD there are different forms of the disorder. In Wael's case he is what they call "invisible borderline" and "covert narcissist". What this means is that to the outside world, yes, he looks entirely normal and people who interact with Wael in work or social settings will be hard pressed to believe there is anything wrong with him. There is so much more to tell you about BPD/NPD as it is such a complex issue. The most important thing you can do is pay attention to the signs and note exactly what you see. One of the problems about reading books about NPD/BPD is they are often filled with examples that may not be entirely applicable in your case or in the situation you are dealing with with your narcissist. BPD/NPD behavior is very predictable, but even well patterned behavior can manifest itself differently within individual relationships. The symptoms outlined above are standard for the condition, however, the way the individual displays it may vary from one person to another. However, as you read the symptoms list and as you read my story and the examples of NPD/BPD that I experienced, you may find something similar in your experience. As I have spent the last 2 years reading books and articles about this condition I have had several "aha" moments where I found myself jumping up and shouting, "YES! This is exactly what happened to me." Then there are other times I see a shadow of similarity between someone else's experience and my own, however, the symptom can be interpreted with the same result. BPD/NPD is pathological - a real mental illness and not just a label.
Living with a narcissist is extremely frustrating and confusing. It is even harder to convince others to see the same thing you are seeing because, quite simply, they don't. With a covert and invisible type they are extremely good at wearing the mask in public and getting to others first. It is extremely important as the spouse, that you keep good and accurate records of what you are facing and living through because it is your account that is the more accurate one. I was fortunate to have an ally in the psychiatrist that we had in Egypt, Dr. A who always told Wael that he (Wael) was not the one to judge his recovery progress, but it was his wife (me) who had a mare accurate picture of the situation and how much or little improvement there had been.
Throughout all of our marriage I made mental notes of behaviors and incidents but at the time, I had no real understanding of what exactly was wrong with him. Dr. A had said Wael's condition was "borderline". This was in response to extreme paranoid behavior Wael had displayed toward me in the early days of our marriage. My mind went right away to schizophrenia but Dr. A assured me he was not schizophrenic but "borderline". A sort of borderline he had said. I never looked into it further. I never googled the symptoms or signs or even made an effort to understand what exactly it was that was wrong with him. I just spent the next 8 years making mental notes about everything from verbal abuse to other bizarre behavior and statement with no real point of reference to understanding how it all fits together. I had never even heard of narcissism (in its true sense) until after Wael left. If I had known then what I know now I would have been better equipped to deal with it, perhaps I could have even prevented the train from derailing if I had only taken the time to research borderline and Cluster B disorders. There was a real connection when I finally was able to match the things Wael would say and do with an actual symptom of a disorder. It was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head. How, I often wondered to myself, how did I possibly think things were normal and would just blow over. That he would simply outgrow it. And why, why didn't I take the time to get to understand why he did and said what he did.
Granted the only person who tried to warn me was Wael himself. He was trying to warn me when he said don't marry me I will ruin your life. He knew. But I did not listen. Just as you will most likely brush off my story here and my warning when you find these words printed here.
You just don't want to believe it. Someone who is so perfect in all aspects could not possibly be this horrible monster I am describing here. All his friends in the meetup groups and his coworkers will speak so highly of him that it will be easy to dismiss the words of a long discarded former victim. Adding to that will be the things he, himself, will tell you about me that initially you will believe. After all, I was once in your shoes and I believed every word that he uttered about one of his exes and I unknowingly contributed to the reinforcement of the illusion in his own mind by saying supportive and encouraging things. I even once contributed to the discard of another woman and did not realize it until years later when I completely understood the problem he had.
I arrived in Cairo on Valentines day. Wael turned on me almost immediately. He gave me a dirty look when I stepped out of the airport. He did not speak a word to me in the car on the way to the apartment other than to say "so what is your plan" in that condescending tone of voice I would come to be very familiar with. I spent the first few days alone in my bedroom. When a friend finally convinced him that I seemed fairly decent, we began a relationship immediately. There was a falling away - or melting away of this layer that I visually sensed. It was like someone had flipped a switch in him. I didn't know at the time that I was with a person who was disordered. All I knew is that the behavior immediately upon my arrival was bizarre and not normal. I let it slide. And so it began.
Wael told me one day that a woman had been texting him wishing him happy valentines day and wanting to get together with him. He told me this story of this woman who lived in Maadi who was "obsessed" with him and kept texting and calling. I told him what anyone would tell a friend under those circumstances, "if she makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to have a relationship with her, the simply ask her not to contact you anymore." So he did. I had no idea I was contributing to - aiding and abetting - the discard of my predecessor.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Living with a narcissist is extremely frustrating and confusing. It is even harder to convince others to see the same thing you are seeing because, quite simply, they don't. With a covert and invisible type they are extremely good at wearing the mask in public and getting to others first. It is extremely important as the spouse, that you keep good and accurate records of what you are facing and living through because it is your account that is the more accurate one. I was fortunate to have an ally in the psychiatrist that we had in Egypt, Dr. A who always told Wael that he (Wael) was not the one to judge his recovery progress, but it was his wife (me) who had a mare accurate picture of the situation and how much or little improvement there had been.
Throughout all of our marriage I made mental notes of behaviors and incidents but at the time, I had no real understanding of what exactly was wrong with him. Dr. A had said Wael's condition was "borderline". This was in response to extreme paranoid behavior Wael had displayed toward me in the early days of our marriage. My mind went right away to schizophrenia but Dr. A assured me he was not schizophrenic but "borderline". A sort of borderline he had said. I never looked into it further. I never googled the symptoms or signs or even made an effort to understand what exactly it was that was wrong with him. I just spent the next 8 years making mental notes about everything from verbal abuse to other bizarre behavior and statement with no real point of reference to understanding how it all fits together. I had never even heard of narcissism (in its true sense) until after Wael left. If I had known then what I know now I would have been better equipped to deal with it, perhaps I could have even prevented the train from derailing if I had only taken the time to research borderline and Cluster B disorders. There was a real connection when I finally was able to match the things Wael would say and do with an actual symptom of a disorder. It was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head. How, I often wondered to myself, how did I possibly think things were normal and would just blow over. That he would simply outgrow it. And why, why didn't I take the time to get to understand why he did and said what he did.
You just don't want to believe it. Someone who is so perfect in all aspects could not possibly be this horrible monster I am describing here. All his friends in the meetup groups and his coworkers will speak so highly of him that it will be easy to dismiss the words of a long discarded former victim. Adding to that will be the things he, himself, will tell you about me that initially you will believe. After all, I was once in your shoes and I believed every word that he uttered about one of his exes and I unknowingly contributed to the reinforcement of the illusion in his own mind by saying supportive and encouraging things. I even once contributed to the discard of another woman and did not realize it until years later when I completely understood the problem he had.
I arrived in Cairo on Valentines day. Wael turned on me almost immediately. He gave me a dirty look when I stepped out of the airport. He did not speak a word to me in the car on the way to the apartment other than to say "so what is your plan" in that condescending tone of voice I would come to be very familiar with. I spent the first few days alone in my bedroom. When a friend finally convinced him that I seemed fairly decent, we began a relationship immediately. There was a falling away - or melting away of this layer that I visually sensed. It was like someone had flipped a switch in him. I didn't know at the time that I was with a person who was disordered. All I knew is that the behavior immediately upon my arrival was bizarre and not normal. I let it slide. And so it began.
Wael told me one day that a woman had been texting him wishing him happy valentines day and wanting to get together with him. He told me this story of this woman who lived in Maadi who was "obsessed" with him and kept texting and calling. I told him what anyone would tell a friend under those circumstances, "if she makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to have a relationship with her, the simply ask her not to contact you anymore." So he did. I had no idea I was contributing to - aiding and abetting - the discard of my predecessor.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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