I miss you so much it hurts me. I think about you so often and how we would spend countless afternoons sitting on your porch or by your pool smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee. A few months ago I smelled a very strong perfume smell and I immediately thought it was you.
I'm sorry I missed all your last phone calls to me. The shit really hit the fan with Wael at the end of 2016 and I have been suffering since then. I shut myself out from everyone and everything. I stay alone only with only my dogs. I wish you hadn't died because I could really use you . here right now, but that is selfish of me. I know how much physical pain you were in with the cancer at the end. I know you are in a better place - a place I long to be too. I often listen to your messages on my voicemail saying "Hi I-man it's Kelly..." I am sorry I did not make an effort to come to Seattle to see you. I should have.
I found this prayer card that you wrote for me in one of my old books. I remember the day you gave it to me in Toledo when I returned from Egypt with my dog in 2010. I remember how much you and Terry tried to help me during that time because Wael was having one of his episodes and was really being hard on me. I remember how Terry talked to him and tried to reassure him though his episode of paranoia. You were my only friend who knew the truth about what was happening in my marriage - but that was because you understood. I never forget how in 2005 you told me not to marry and Egyptian (Terry was so mad at you for telling me that). I didn't listen to you because I fell in love with an Egyptian three years later. I appreciate how Terry tried to talk sense to Wael - but I didn't realize at the time that it was not possible.
I wish you were here now Kelly, because you are the only one who knows - who witnessed the reality of what I went through with him. The sort of good news is that I finally figured out what is wrong with Wael. He has a personality disorder. He's had it forever - at least since he was a teenager or younger. I know what you would say though - I can hear you now - how you always said everyone in Egypt was mentally ill. I'm sorry I missed you when you came to Egypt. It would have been really cool for us to have been able to hang out there after years of not seeing each other. I am sorry I lost touch with you during those early years of my move to Egypt.
I know you know now, that I was angry at you for a time because you hurt me very badly. I am happy that we were able to put that behind us in 2009. You were a generous person to me and to Michael and to Wael when we visited in December. You really understood me and I understood you. I am sorry you got sick and suffered so much at the end of your life. I am sorry you did not get to see your husband again before you passed. I hope you hear me when I talk to you and I ask you to find Wael's mother and DeeAnne and Wael's father and for all of you to pray for him to be rid of this horrible crippling mental illness. I know it's not the same as the cancer and physical ailments you passed from, but I know you understand how damaging a mental illness is. I ask you four to heal him just about everyday. Sometimes I do feel a light touch on my face so I know someone is there. I know someone is listening.
I miss you terribly Kelly and want nothing more than to have a cup of coffee and a smoke with you. I wish you were here because that is what I would do right now. I love you my friend. Thank you for these words on this card you gave me. It means so much to me now to have something with your handwriting - something you touched.
I hope to see you very soon.
Iman
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