Do not dismiss me

The BPD/NPD does not ever, ever see anything wrong in his behavior.

He offers prayers for me, yet he is the one who broke and abandoned me.

He tells you, "well I call and check up on her" (isn't that nice of me).

He says he has forgiven me.  FORGIVEN ME FOR WHAT? For reacting to the abuse, that's what.

Everything I did - every single reaction I had, was a normal reaction to the abuse, the projections, and the constant barrage of blame and vitriol he put on me.

Educate yourself.  

Learn what narcissism is.  Wael knows.  He knows.

But he will deny and try to silence me.  Once I put my foot down and refused to allow it to continue,

suddenly he needed to be free of me.

Why?

Because I had finally figured him completely out.  And I was pushing him to face it within himself.

It is too hard for the NPD/BPD to do this. 

He must silence me by telling everyone in his life mistruths about me and why we are no longer together.

He must keep me away from all the new people in his life the same way that he hid me from DeeAnne and her from me by always telling me to stay quiet when he was on the phone with her.

If we had talked - she might have given me some warning...

It all makes sense now.

But I am here to speak the truth.  My book is the truth.

The hours of audio recordings I have are the truth.

I know what I went through.

I know that I chased that high that I felt when I first met Wael and he presented himself as the perfect husband.

I waited, and waited, for that person to come back.  For the storm clouds to pass -

NEVER KNOWING that was all an illusion.

I tried to love him.  I did love him.  I stayed with him even after realizing something was horribly wrong.

I lived with constant conflict.

Constant chaos.

I tiptoed around him so not to wake the sleeping giant within.

I threw material things and food and drink at him to keep him distracted and pacified so not to see that bad side.

I spun webs and wore myself out trying to keep him satisfied so much so that my own health, needs and happiness were sacrificed.

I was subconsciously putting forth a never-ending effort to please a pathologically miserable person.

I got up on that roller coaster, got spun around in a dizzying cloud of confusion all the while carrying the entire burden of responsibility for our lives on my shoulders.

Stupidly, I expected to be rewarded in the end. 

I wrongly thought that Wael would emerge from the darkness, that the fog would lift and the clouds

would part and he would suddenly see the light -

I wrongly believed he would become lucid and look at himself and say 

"what the fuck am I doing to this woman who loves me?"

Yes, I waited for that.  I believed and I waited and I waited and I believed.

I had no idea that not only would it never happen, but that is was not possible.

Everyone in the narcissists life is completely fungible.

But I needed to hear it.

I heard the sorry tearful begging apology when he had no where else to go, but 

even then I had begun to suspect something else was at play.  I resisted but

he forced his way back in.  

And even then I waited for a sincere apology and a definitive action that would

back up the words: "I will do whatever it takes to prove to you that I want to take care of my family."

Predictably that never came either.

The only thing that came was the discard.

He broke me.

He wore me out like and old pair of shoes - then shoved me in a bag destined for the thrift shop.

If I was a dog, he would have driven me out to a desolated road in the middle of the night and opened the door.

Yes, I loved that man.  The one who would blame me for everything wrong in his life.

The one who would see me as an object and not a person.  

The one who would talk over me if I tried to discuss my feelings, the one who shut me

down at every chance he got because "he was tired" or "he didn't have time for that."

I loved him and I waited for him to tell me.

I needed to hear it.  I needed to hear it so badly.

My psyche searches for it now in dreams.

He may tell you now or in the future that I want him.

That's only partially true.

I want what I thought he was.  What he managed to show me when it was convenient for him

or served him in some way.

That was what I wanted - who I thought he was.

But this man is a user, a liar, a cheater, a self-serving, cold and heartless individual who cannot sustain an intimate interpersonal relationship due to his lack of emotion, empathy, or ability to cope and be sincere with his own feelings.  He should have a guilty conscience - if only he had one of those.

I don't want him.

I don't want that.