Some of you may know me but most of you probably don't. I was married to Wael Elwan from 2008 to 2016. Some of you may have heard about me and I'm sure that what you heard contained a lot of omissions on Wael's part. See, he is great at telling only his side of the story with is peppered with selective amnesia and denial common to a person who has a personality disorder. I know what you are thinking - you all think Wael is a great guy and don't believe that he has anything wrong with him. I was once in your shoes too and if someone had told me horrible things about this man I would not have believed it either. But I want to tell the real story - the whole truth - and if you choose to read it I urge you to really look below the surface. Eventually you will see the cracks and depending on the nature of your relationship to Wael, you may see even deeper behind the mask to the truly ugly side. The side that is passive-aggressive, verbally abusive and deeply pained. I hope that you will read these words and let them serve as a warning of what is to come. I was once in your shoes.
The last time I saw Wael he was shoving me out of the way so he could get out the door. Yes, I had stepped in front of him and tried to get him to look me in the eyes. "Why are you doing this to me? Why?" I wanted to know. I told Wael that I would spend the rest of my life telling this story. And I will. This is my side of the story. I will speak the truth. I will be fair and include things from his point of view. I can do that now because I understand the pathology of the personality disorder. I know the motivation behind the behavior that confused me and confounded me and destroyed for years. But I am a fair and honest person. There is nothing more dangerous than a single narrative.
This is my husband and I on the day we got married
He's pretty handsome ,isn't he? Yeah, I thought so too. Although the day we met in Colorado Springs in 2007 I really didn't like him very much. There was something that seemed a bit off and I just couldn't put my finger on it. But over the course of 4 days that we spent together I ended up falling in love with him. We had actually met online nearly 8 months earlier and regularly talked on the phone. I was planning on moving to Cairo and needed a place to live and I contacted Wael through a website for travelers. At most I was hoping for a place to crash until I moved to Alexandria to do my TEFL program, but fate had a different plan. The first time I spoke to Wael on the phone I nervously told him that I had a 100 pound Rottweiler and she needed to stay in the house with me (previous users I had contacted expressed displeasure with the idea of the dog being inside), but Wael did not hesitate to say "That's ok - I love dogs and she can stay with me when you go to Alexandria." I found out later that from the time of our initial contact online to our actual meeting Wael would sit and stare at my profile photo on the website. I have to admit I was attracted to his photo too - he had a beaming smile. But still there was something not quite right. After our initial meeting in Colorado Springs just 8 weeks before my expected arrival in Cairo Wael continued to call me but his attitude had changed. He was pushing me away. Something about this seemed very odd to me but again, I ignored it. The day I arrived in Cairo he was waiting for me at the airport and if looks could kill he looked at me with such disdain and condensation. I remember walking out of the airport and seeing him standing there looking at me like that and just felt the blood drain out of my face. I wondered what I had done to upset him. The first few days we spent together were pure hell for me and I spent them locked in my room sleeping. Wael was talking to me is a strange way with a certain condescending tone in his voice (I would later come to recognize this tone as a signal of his disorder). He was pushing me away again and nothing had even started yet. I found out later that during this time he was also sleeping with a knife under his pillow because he thought I was going to kill him and feed him to my dog. I should have seen that a giant red flag too but I didn't.
But what I didn't know at the time, and I didn't know throughout our 8 year marriage was that Wael suffers from a combination of Cluster B disorders that make up Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. When I look back at those early red flags, the hint of arrogance, the paranoia, the passive-aggressive condescending manner in which he would speak to me I should have trusted that slight nagging feeling that something was not quite right.
There is a lot more to the story or our early days, but I will save some of the details and stories for the book I am writing:
It's a great title. It's what Wael actually said to me a few weeks before we were to be married. He was sitting in this oversized green arm chair that had cigarette burns on the arm. The chair was so old that when you sat on it, you actually sunk down into it. I was standing in the living room one day and Wael was sitting in that chair. "Don't marry me, I will ruin your life," he said. I could not believe my ears. What the fuck did he just say? I whipped around and saw him sitting there, sunk down in that chair. When I picture it now it reminds me of Abraham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial. His face was ashen and his expression was emotionless. I can't describe it any other way and I will never forget it. Just blank. I didn't know then that it was a moment of clarity - a brief and fleeting lucid moment of self-awareness that I would see a handful a times over the next 8 years. At the time I just attributed what he was saying to a classic case of cold feet, although I had never in my life heard about anyone ever having been told that before. I went to him and sat on his lap and reassured him that I really loved him and wanted to marry him and everything would be ok. Instantly the color came back into his face and a slight smile appeared. I look back on that moment now and see that is clearly shows me that Wael, in fact, knew that he had a problem. He was aware of it. He kept it from me, and in retrospect it serves to remind me that he knew exactly what was wrong with him and he knew exactly what he was going to do to me. He knew exactly how it would turn out. I look back on that moment a lot now particularly when he denies that he did, in fact, ruin my life. It prevents me from accepting the empty apologies that come without accountability and the excuse that he was not aware of his behavior or was not on the right medication, etc. I remember the serious look on his face and the precise conviction in his voice when he uttered the words: I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE.
I know you are still thinking that none of what I am saying sounds at all like the Wael Elwan you know. In order to understand why you need to know a few things about Cluster B disorders and Covert Narcissists.
Yes, everyone thinks he is awesome and that is the goal. That is his goal. Because the narcissist is actually someone who feels so low and so self-loathing that they must get all their self-esteem and happiness from an outside source. Before I really get into the details of how that works, especially in Wael's case I want to review (for those of you who may not know) the bullet points of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).
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Narcissistic Personality Disorder
People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder* have significant problems with their sense of self-worth stemming from a powerful sense of entitlement. This leads them to believe they deserve special treatment, and to assume they have special powers, are uniquely talented, or that they are especially brilliant or attractive. Their sense of entitlement can lead them to act in ways that fundamentally disregard and disrespect the worth of those around them.
- People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder are preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success and power, so much so that they might end up getting lost in their daydreams while they
fantasize about their superior intelligence or stunning beauty. - These people can get so caught up in their fantasies that they don't put any effort into their daily life and don't direct their energies toward accomplishing their goals.
- They may believe that they are special and deserve special treatment, and may display an attitude that is arrogant and haughty.
- This can create a lot of conflict with other people who feel exploited and who dislike being treated in a condescending fashion.
- People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder often feel devastated when they realize that they have normal, average human limitations; that they are not as special as they think, or that others don't admire them as much as they would like.
- These realizations are often accompanied by feelings of intense anger or shame that they sometimes take out on other people.
- Their need to be powerful, and admired, coupled with a lack of empathy for others, makes for conflictual relationships that are often superficial and devoid of real intimacy and caring.
Status is very important to people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Associating with famous and special people provides them a sense of importance. These individuals can quickly shift from over-idealizing others to devaluing them.
However, the same is true of their self-judgments. They tend to vacillate between feeling like they have unlimited abilities, and then feeling deflated, worthless, and devastated when they encounter their normal, average human limitations. Despite their bravado, people with Narcissistic Personality Disorder require a lot of admiration from other people in order to bolster their own fragile self-esteem. They can be quite manipulative in extracting the necessary attention from those people around them.
Borderline Personality Disorder
Borderline Personality Disorder* is one of the most widely studied personality disorders. People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to experience intense and unstable emotions and moods that can shift fairly quickly. They generally have a hard time calming down once they have become upset. As a result, they frequently have angry outbursts and engage in impulsive behaviors such as substance abuse, risky sexual liaisons, self-injury, overspending, or binge eating. These behaviors often function to sooth them in the short-term, but harm them in the longer term.
- People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to see the world in polarized, over-simplified,all-or-nothing terms.
- They apply their harsh either/or judgments to others and to themselves and their perceptions of themselves and others may quickly vacillate back and forth between "all good" and "all bad."
- This tendency leads to an unstable sense of self, so that persons with this disorder tend to have a hard time being consistent.
- They can frequently change careers, relationships, life goals, or residences. Quite often these radical changes occur without any warning or advance preparation.
Black-and-White Thinking and Emotion Dysregulation in Borderline Personality Disorder
People with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to view the world in terms of black-and-white, or all-or-nothing thinking. Their tendency to see the world in black-or-white (polarized) terms makes it easy for them to misinterpret the actions and motivations of others.- These polarized thoughts about their relationships with others lead them to experience intense emotional reactions, which in turn interacts with their difficulties in regulating these intense emotions.
- The result is that they will characteristically experience great distress which they cannot easily control and may subsequently engage in self-destructive behaviors as they do their best to cope.
- The intensity of their emotions, coupled with their difficulty regulating these emotions, leads them to act impulsively.
Symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder include the following:
- Rapid changes in mood
- Intense unstable interpersonal relationships
- Unstable self image
- Issues with abandonment, whether actual or perceived
- Engaging in impulsive behaviors, such as binge eating, substance abuse, or compulsive spending
- Feelings of emptiness
- Difficulty controlling anger
- Dissociative or paranoid symptoms
Symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder
Just like Borderline Personality Disorder, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) lists nine symptoms of Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you exhibit five of these nine symptoms in a persistent manner, you meet the criteria for diagnosis of NPD:
- An exaggerated sense of one’s own abilities and achievements
- A constant need for attention, affirmation, and praise
- A belief that you are unique or “special,” and should only associate with other people of the same status
- Persistent fantasies about attaining success and power
- Exploiting other people for personal gain
- A sense of entitlement and expectation of special treatment
- A preoccupation with power or success
- Feeling envious of others, or believing that others are envious of you
- A lack of empathy for others
NPD and BPD: Similarities and Differences
Narcissistic Personality Disorder can exist on its own, but can also be found co-occurring with Borderline Personality Disorder. Mix and match five out of nine symptoms of NPD with five out of the nine symptoms of BPD, and you get someone who will likely be described at least as “difficult” or “high maintenance,” and who certainly is having a tough time in day-to-day life.
Both people with BPD and with NPD deal with an intense fear of abandonment. Enhancing that fear of abandonment is the fact that sustaining relationships with others in the face of these symptoms is a challenge to say the least. “Intense and stormy relationships” is, in fact, one of the characterizing symptoms of BPD.
In an article for Psychology Today, Susan Heitler, PhD, author and Harvard graduate, describes emotionally healthy functioning in the absence of BPD or NPD: “Emotionally healthy functioning is characterized by ability to hear your own concerns, thoughts, and feelings and also to be responsive to others’ concerns.”
In the world of the narcissist, that second part just isn’t present. Narcissists are unable to step outside of themselves to imagine any weight behind someone else’s opinion. This renders someone with NPD socially and emotionally ineffective, and affects their ability to maintain relationships.
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Within BPD and NPD there are different forms of the disorder. In Wael's case he is what they call "invisible borderline" and "covert narcissist". What this means is that to the outside world, yes, he looks entirely normal and people who interact with Wael in work or social settings will be hard pressed to believe there is anything wrong with him. There is so much more to tell you about BPD/NPD as it is such a complex issue. The most important thing you can do is pay attention to the signs and note exactly what you see. One of the problems about reading books about NPD/BPD is they are often filled with examples that may not be entirely applicable in your case or in the situation you are dealing with with your narcissist. BPD/NPD behavior is very predictable, but even well patterned behavior can manifest itself differently within individual relationships. The symptoms outlined above are standard for the condition, however, the way the individual displays it may vary from one person to another. However, as you read the symptoms list and as you read my story and the examples of NPD/BPD that I experienced, you may find something similar in your experience. As I have spent the last 2 years reading books and articles about this condition I have had several "aha" moments where I found myself jumping up and shouting, "YES! This is exactly what happened to me." Then there are other times I see a shadow of similarity between someone else's experience and my own, however, the symptom can be interpreted with the same result. BPD/NPD is pathological - a real mental illness and not just a label.
Living with a narcissist is extremely frustrating and confusing. It is even harder to convince others to see the same thing you are seeing because, quite simply, they don't. With a covert and invisible type they are extremely good at wearing the mask in public and getting to others first. It is extremely important as the spouse, that you keep good and accurate records of what you are facing and living through because it is your account that is the more accurate one. I was fortunate to have an ally in the psychiatrist that we had in Egypt, Dr. A who always told Wael that he (Wael) was not the one to judge his recovery progress, but it was his wife (me) who had a mare accurate picture of the situation and how much or little improvement there had been.
Throughout all of our marriage I made mental notes of behaviors and incidents but at the time, I had no real understanding of what exactly was wrong with him. Dr. A had said Wael's condition was "borderline". This was in response to extreme paranoid behavior Wael had displayed toward me in the early days of our marriage. My mind went right away to schizophrenia but Dr. A assured me he was not schizophrenic but "borderline". A sort of borderline he had said. I never looked into it further. I never googled the symptoms or signs or even made an effort to understand what exactly it was that was wrong with him. I just spent the next 8 years making mental notes about everything from verbal abuse to other bizarre behavior and statement with no real point of reference to understanding how it all fits together. I had never even heard of narcissism (in its true sense) until after Wael left. If I had known then what I know now I would have been better equipped to deal with it, perhaps I could have even prevented the train from derailing if I had only taken the time to research borderline and Cluster B disorders. There was a real connection when I finally was able to match the things Wael would say and do with an actual symptom of a disorder. It was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head. How, I often wondered to myself, how did I possibly think things were normal and would just blow over. That he would simply outgrow it. And why, why didn't I take the time to get to understand why he did and said what he did.
Granted the only person who tried to warn me was Wael himself. He was trying to warn me when he said don't marry me I will ruin your life. He knew. But I did not listen. Just as you will most likely brush off my story here and my warning when you find these words printed here.
You just don't want to believe it. Someone who is so perfect in all aspects could not possibly be this horrible monster I am describing here. All his friends in the meetup groups and his coworkers will speak so highly of him that it will be easy to dismiss the words of a long discarded former victim. Adding to that will be the things he, himself, will tell you about me that initially you will believe. After all, I was once in your shoes and I believed every word that he uttered about one of his exes and I unknowingly contributed to the reinforcement of the illusion in his own mind by saying supportive and encouraging things. I even once contributed to the discard of another woman and did not realize it until years later when I completely understood the problem he had.
I arrived in Cairo on Valentines day. Wael turned on me almost immediately. He gave me a dirty look when I stepped out of the airport. He did not speak a word to me in the car on the way to the apartment other than to say "so what is your plan" in that condescending tone of voice I would come to be very familiar with. I spent the first few days alone in my bedroom. When a friend finally convinced him that I seemed fairly decent, we began a relationship immediately. There was a falling away - or melting away of this layer that I visually sensed. It was like someone had flipped a switch in him. I didn't know at the time that I was with a person who was disordered. All I knew is that the behavior immediately upon my arrival was bizarre and not normal. I let it slide. And so it began.
Wael told me one day that a woman had been texting him wishing him happy valentines day and wanting to get together with him. He told me this story of this woman who lived in Maadi who was "obsessed" with him and kept texting and calling. I told him what anyone would tell a friend under those circumstances, "if she makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to have a relationship with her, the simply ask her not to contact you anymore." So he did. I had no idea I was contributing to - aiding and abetting - the discard of my predecessor.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Living with a narcissist is extremely frustrating and confusing. It is even harder to convince others to see the same thing you are seeing because, quite simply, they don't. With a covert and invisible type they are extremely good at wearing the mask in public and getting to others first. It is extremely important as the spouse, that you keep good and accurate records of what you are facing and living through because it is your account that is the more accurate one. I was fortunate to have an ally in the psychiatrist that we had in Egypt, Dr. A who always told Wael that he (Wael) was not the one to judge his recovery progress, but it was his wife (me) who had a mare accurate picture of the situation and how much or little improvement there had been.
Throughout all of our marriage I made mental notes of behaviors and incidents but at the time, I had no real understanding of what exactly was wrong with him. Dr. A had said Wael's condition was "borderline". This was in response to extreme paranoid behavior Wael had displayed toward me in the early days of our marriage. My mind went right away to schizophrenia but Dr. A assured me he was not schizophrenic but "borderline". A sort of borderline he had said. I never looked into it further. I never googled the symptoms or signs or even made an effort to understand what exactly it was that was wrong with him. I just spent the next 8 years making mental notes about everything from verbal abuse to other bizarre behavior and statement with no real point of reference to understanding how it all fits together. I had never even heard of narcissism (in its true sense) until after Wael left. If I had known then what I know now I would have been better equipped to deal with it, perhaps I could have even prevented the train from derailing if I had only taken the time to research borderline and Cluster B disorders. There was a real connection when I finally was able to match the things Wael would say and do with an actual symptom of a disorder. It was like a lightbulb had gone off in my head. How, I often wondered to myself, how did I possibly think things were normal and would just blow over. That he would simply outgrow it. And why, why didn't I take the time to get to understand why he did and said what he did.
You just don't want to believe it. Someone who is so perfect in all aspects could not possibly be this horrible monster I am describing here. All his friends in the meetup groups and his coworkers will speak so highly of him that it will be easy to dismiss the words of a long discarded former victim. Adding to that will be the things he, himself, will tell you about me that initially you will believe. After all, I was once in your shoes and I believed every word that he uttered about one of his exes and I unknowingly contributed to the reinforcement of the illusion in his own mind by saying supportive and encouraging things. I even once contributed to the discard of another woman and did not realize it until years later when I completely understood the problem he had.
I arrived in Cairo on Valentines day. Wael turned on me almost immediately. He gave me a dirty look when I stepped out of the airport. He did not speak a word to me in the car on the way to the apartment other than to say "so what is your plan" in that condescending tone of voice I would come to be very familiar with. I spent the first few days alone in my bedroom. When a friend finally convinced him that I seemed fairly decent, we began a relationship immediately. There was a falling away - or melting away of this layer that I visually sensed. It was like someone had flipped a switch in him. I didn't know at the time that I was with a person who was disordered. All I knew is that the behavior immediately upon my arrival was bizarre and not normal. I let it slide. And so it began.
Wael told me one day that a woman had been texting him wishing him happy valentines day and wanting to get together with him. He told me this story of this woman who lived in Maadi who was "obsessed" with him and kept texting and calling. I told him what anyone would tell a friend under those circumstances, "if she makes you uncomfortable and you don't want to have a relationship with her, the simply ask her not to contact you anymore." So he did. I had no idea I was contributing to - aiding and abetting - the discard of my predecessor.
TO BE CONTINUED...
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