i was stupid

I was stupid for believing any of it
I saw signs and red flags waving all along
but I so desperately wanted it to be real
that I suffered for 8 years with his irrational
thoughts, false accusations, circular conversations because
"he didn't understand"
I kept my head buried in the sand when I saw
the truth finally.
I struggled against it - begging and pleading with him-
desperately not wanting it to be true.
I spent 1.5 years going through emotional hell
because I thought we were saving our marriage.
I stupidly thought we both wanted that.
Because he had said that to me.
But you retracted your apology
you retracted your words
because you had once again, used me because you had no where
else to go.
You had already made up your mind to 'discard' me
TO THROW ME AWAY.
Because when I gave him that chance -
he said "I CAN'T" or "IT'S TOO HARD"
And why?  Because I held you accountable.
If I had just rolled over and said "that's ok Wael, please
come back into my life and continue treating me like shit"
then you would have been willing to stay.
Because your idea of saving your marriage meant
me overlooking your behavior and forgiving and forgetting
and continuing to be unheard and invisible until you need me for
something.

You didn't want unconditional love.
You wanted to take it only - but not give it.
Because you were unwilling to hear the words I said:
THE THINGS YOU SAY AND DO HURT ME.
I did not have a right to even say that.
You turned it around (deflected) back on to me and said:
"Then stop doing things that piss me off."
Fuck you.
Why didn't you stop talking to me the way you spoke to me
on a daily basis simply because you could not cope with living in the US
or cope with your job, or cope with the normal average life you lived.
You could not cope with who you are in reality and only wanted to
exist in a world where people think you are so smart, and so
successful and so wonderful and fun and exciting and Oh, look how
awesome Wael is...
No - you took out your frustrations on me whenever I tried to show you the reality
of your existence.
But I was NOT allowed to have those same feelings or express anything at all.

The damage he did to me is far-reaching
emotion, physical, spiritual, financial and also mental.

Wael Elwan, you are a horrible person.
You are a user, a liar, a cheater.
You knew what you had, yet you strung me along
all the while trying to get rid of me simultaneously.

You are NOT the honorable one.
You are the worst one.
You are a piece of shit.
You are a loser.
You knew exactly what you were doing and gaslighted me with the bullshit of
"we got married too fast."
REALLY?
It wasn't too fast when you wanted sex.
It wasn't too fast when you wanted me to fill out the citizenship papers.
It wasn't too fast when you needed something or someone.
You suddenly remembered, after 8 years, that we got married too fast.
Fuck you.
You knew exactly what you were doing all along.
YOU USED ME.
AND YOU DESTROYED ME.