[REPOST] The most comprehensive explanation of NPD you will read

Author:  Axl Salvator

Original post appears here:  https://www.quora.com/What-are-the-signs-of-a-narcissist-being-done-with-you

When the Narcissist starts to Devalue, the official relationship is over, meaning that they already move on replacing you with a new source of supply, however they never discard or give you an official closure because any reaction from your side be it a Positive/Negative will feed them fuel and make them feel important, meaning that the more you seek for answers and closure the more you are feeding them their Fuel, they will be neutral with you and feed on your Fuel, from now on is a Fuel game, they won’t convince you to stay neither leave, you are free to rather stick to their side making them feel important and feeding them fuel or move forward with your life, they are already gaining the fuel that they need from their new source of supply, however they won’t mind your extra fuel.

The Devaluation is inevitable no matter how good you are or how much fuel you feed them they will Devalue the moment that they get bored, that’s how they operate, with a childish emotional level and that’s the difference between Idealization and Love.

You will find your closure within you, there is no closure included.

The Devaluation continues to infinity, it all depends from you and for how long you are willing to stick to their side, if you want to continue they will go with it till infinity because any fuel will always be welcomed.

Late Stages Of Relationship-Devaluation:

1. All the attention,adulation,admiration,care is vanished they are cold and distant.
2. Everything you do irritates them,even the jokes that they used to laugh or the things that you enjoyed together.
3. You are never enough for anything that you do,they keep dropping the sarcasms on every sentence.
4. They got bored of you,since they possess no Empathy and a really low boredom tolerance level.
5. You see their true face after 2–3 months,that everything was an act from them,the person that you thought they were does not exist it’s an illusion presented by them,their mask or facade drops off since acting takes lots of energy from them.
6. They start to devalue after the love bombing.
7. You feel like you are walking on eggshells,you want their attention,love and care and their feelings they withhold everything,you try to search for answers they don’t give you any clear answers just dull and cold answers,never initiating the contact first,lies flying all over your face,they tell you they are bored,every time you ask for answers,you will get none of them,you are getting tired losing energy,you don’t know what to expect from this relationship,all the thoughts going on your head you want some kind of a closure,where they give you as little to hang in there.
8. When you try to rise an opinion or ask the relationship to be a two way street,asking them why they changed,or where is the old person you once knew,calling them on their actions and lies,they refuse everything further more manipulating you with methods like:

• 1.Gaslighting-basically refusing everything that you are saying,they would slap you today and tomorrow tell you they didn’t do it,since they know that you wont leave easy they have tested you and your patience,and they know you got a deep connection to them with empathy,they make you doubt yourself and your vision.
• 2.Stone Walling-You ask a question about where are her feelings she switches the topic and never answers that,you ask a question about does she feel the same things,she tells you she does not know,you never get a straight up answer.
• 3.Silent Treatments-Every time you call them on their actions this is the cruelest method that they can use,they basically vanish or give you the ghosting or the cold shoulder,they vanish for days,weeks,months,years by answering none of your calls or messages,you don’t know what in the heck happened everything seemed so good,the silent treatment time increases much more when you call them on their actions and ask them for their empathy,you will feel ignored,shattered,in pain,in sorrow etc,then just when you try to move on with your life they re-appear like nothing happened and pick up the things where you left them off even doe if they went off for months or years,With this technique they will escape any responsibility for their actions,ignorance is their biggest weapon-They are giving you a message of:My dear object if you dare to call me on my actions-lies-manipulations i will give you my silence because you don’t deserve my words,since you are a simple toy to me,i played you from day 1 and if you dare to rebel or see through that mask i will ignore you,because i know i’m lying,i’m manipulating,i just simply don’t care because you are my possession and my object,you always were,you let me walk away with all that,so you are going to allow me to walk away once again like back in the time’’
• 4.Projection-Basically when you try to rise up your opinion they switch the blame to you playing the victim card telling you that you are overthinking stuff even though you are sure 100% they did that thing and you end up apologizing to them for the things you never did,because they know deep down inside how much they abuse you no matter what they do you will always stay,they are sure of it because they have tested you early on.

The Three Phases of A Narcissistic Relationship Cycle: Over-Evaluation, Devaluation, Discard

A relationship with a Narcissist has been compared to being on a roller coaster, with immense highs and immense lows. They have been described as the proverbial Jekyll and Hyde, one way one minute, another the next.

People usually get into relationships for love and the need to connect and bond with another. Narcissists get into relationships for entirely different reasons. They do not feel love and they lack the ability to connect and form normal attachment bonds with others.

Narcissists need people more than anyone. Because their entire sense of self-esteem and self-worth is dependent on the admiration of others, their emotions are a precarious balance of needing others and needing to be left alone.

Narcissists feel an enormous void inside of them. This void is ever present and the only thing that fills it, is the love and esteem of another. The fix is always temporary though. A Narcissist describes it this way, “It’s like my brain is constantly seeking something. It’s like I’m always chasing a carrot at the end of a stick. Nothing I do satisfies me, at least not for long. I feel like I only do things because I’m supposed to, because society does it. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere or with anyone.”

Narcissists are completely self-absorbed and are oblivious to the wants and needs of others. They enter into relationships in an attempt to fill this void and to make sure that they have someone who is always available for sex, an ego stroke or whatever need they may have. A relationship with a Narcissist always follows three phases, the over-evaluations phase, the devaluation phase and the discard phase.

The Over-evaluation Phase

A Narcissist is very careful when choosing a target. Typically, they will choose a victim based on their status. They must be attractive, popular, rich or extremely gifted in some area. The greater the status, the higher the value the Narcissist places on the Supply derived.

Once a target has been chosen, it’s almost like the Narcissist gets tunnel vision. They are hyper-vigilant in their pursuit and will project the perfect image that their victim wants them to be. They are excessively caring, loving and attentive at this stage. They shower their targets with attention, compliments and literally sweep them off their feet.

They place their target on a pedestal, idolize and worship them. Their target is the greatest thing since sliced bread. Here the Narcissist is ecstatic, full of hopes and dreams. They will talk and think about them constantly, they are euphoric. This is as close as a Narcissist will ever get to feeling love. This kind of idolization is what others would call infatuation.

The victim is likely so caught up in all the attention and is usually thinking at this point, that they have found their soul-mate. Their pursuer is exactly what they want in a partner (because the Narcissist is mirroring what they have learned appeals to their target) and they can’t believe how lucky they are and that this catch is still single.

What they don’t know, or could ever be prepared for, is what comes next.

The Devaluation Stage

The Over-Evaluation phase, if you’re dealing with a Somatic Narcissist, usually lasts anywhere from a few weeks to a couple of months, just long enough for the Narcissist to be confident that they have secured their target’s love and devotion. Unbeknownst to the target, what they were witnessing in the early phase was the Narcissist’s false self. In this second phase, the mask comes off and the Narcissist starts to reveal their true colours.

The shift could be gradual or almost seemingly overnight. Suddenly the attention they so lavishly gave you is gone and replace by indifference and silence. Days or weeks could go by and you won’t hear from them. They don’t return your phone calls, they don’t keep a single promise and you’re starting to suspect that they might be involved with someone else. The target is left baffled and confused and wondering what they did wrong to cause such an abrupt turnaround.

Narcissists become bored easily and what usually starts happening in their heads at this stage, is that the void begins to emerge again. The high they were feeding off of is waning and they begin to question your worthiness, that perhaps you weren’t so special after all, because if you were then the void wouldn’t still be there.

They become moody and agitated easily, blaming you for even the slightest transgression. They start to disappear more frequently and they give you the silent treatment in an attempt to create distance. As the Narcissist withdraws, the target starts to cling and your demands for his attention and your need to understand what’s happening, grate on his nerves. The harder you cling the more the Narcissist pulls away. They start to blame and criticize the target for everything, treating them like an emotional punching bag.

At this point the target is an emotional wreck. The Narcissist has left without any explanation and they can’t figure out how one minute they were put on a pedestal and now it’s like they doesn’t even exist. The Narcissist is a projector and they are projecting their emotional turmoil onto you. They feed off of other people’s misery (as long as it’s caused by them) just as much as they feeds off of your admiration, either way it makes no difference to them.

It is this person, this cruel, indifferent, unfeeling, sadist that is the behind the mask. Most targets desperately try to find the one they fell in love with. What they don’t realize is that that person never existed. They were a facade an act put on by the Narcissist to secure their Supply.

The Narcissist will take no responsibility for their actions, because they simply don’t care how they’ve treated you or how you are feeling.
Narcissists are not capable of forming normal healthy attachments to people. Those that aren’t familiar with the disorder are completely at a loss to understand how unnecessarily cruel their behavior can be. The target was never more than an object to the Narcissist, whose usefulness is on the decline.

The Narcissist isn’t one to throw away a potential piece of supply though. They will keep up this I love you, I love you not charade going for as long as it suits them or as long as you allow it. They will breeze in and out of your life as if nothing ever happened, completely oblivious and indifferent to your suffering.

This mind fuck is deliberate and they will keep feeding you crumbs of attention, just enough to keep you emotionally invested and available to cater to their every need.

At some point one of two things will happen: either they will find a new target and begin phase one with them, thus ignoring you completely, or you will have had enough of his psychotic abuse and you will take control and put an end to it, thus ushering In phase three.

The Discard Phase

It is almost baffling to watch the ease at which a Narcissist can pull away from his partners. Many targets are left asking themselves, “Did he ever love me? Did I mean anything to him?” The simple answer is no. No one means anything to him. Women are only a means to an end – to obtain the much needed Narcissistic Supply. Once your usefulness has run its course, you will be discarded abruptly and cruelly, without warning.

Trying to get over a relationship with a Narcissist is extremely difficult. Once it is over the target is usually an emotional wreck, whose self-esteem has been annihilated by the persistent demeaning behavior, insults and cruelty of the Narcissist. Depending on when they were able to break free, the target maybe a shadow of their former self, with a lot of work ahead of them to rebuild their shattered self-image.

As a victim tries to pick up the pieces, What must be remembered is that you were deliberately targeted, lied to and manipulated by a skilled con-artist, for their own gain. There was nothing you could have done differently and none of this was your fault. The Narcissist will repeat this pattern with every person, every time, bar none.

All former targets must be vigilantly on guard, because a Narcissist always reserves the right to revisit a former source of supply, no matter how much time has passed or how badly they’ve behaved.

Once you have broken free you must close the door on any and all contact, because if you don’t you’re headed back to a watered down version of Phase One – over and over and over again.

There Is No Closure With Narcissist.

When we end a relationship with a narcissist – it can be a terrible and painful experience to realise there is no closure.

There is no “I’m sorry, I treated you terribly”, there is the absence of “I realise that if I had done things differently we could have worked”, or “The way I treated you was disgraceful”. Often, horrifically, there is no explanation for the cruel ability to abuse and manipulate you, and then discard, abandon and move on as if you never existed.

Most narcissistic abuse sufferers struggle terribly with this – and experience the anguished feelings of “What did I REALLY mean to him or her?”

These feelings of non-closure can create a powerful hook, whereby you feel like you are waiting for some sense of closure. You may feel like you deserve an apology, some sort of explanation, or even some evidence that the narcissist’s life is miserable now that you’re not in it.

From where you’re sitting, it feels like none of this exists, and it may even feel like you’re stuck and you can’t move on without this closure. How do you get on with your life when you can’t have closure?

Additionally, you gave so much of yourself, and to what avail? Not to mention the horrific loses that you experienced along the way. And the narcissist has skipped off into the horizon, continuing life as normal without even skipping a beat. Where is the justice?!

Insult is added to injury when you start experiencing:the more you want closure from the narcissist, the less you are going to get it…

For many people, after suffering a narcissistically abusing relationship, it feels like you have been punished, that life has dealt you a terrible blow – and you are desperate for some form of closure…

You may call, text or write letters to the narcissist, venting your feelings, fishing for answers, trying to coerce him or her to respond like a normal human being, force some accountability, and you may spew forth your pain to try to activate some sort of guilt.

However, no matter what you try, it doesn’t work; leaving you even more desperate for closure.

It’s a horrible, vicious cycle.

Human Closure Versus Narcissistic Closure

Closure may be possible if you were dealing with a normal human being, because the fundaments of normal human interaction are about having a conscience, and possessing the ability to consider other people’s feelings.

There are relationship endings that do exist whereby one or both parties has genuine concern in regard to creating closure, decency and respect when going separate ways.

This, however, is not the narcissistic reality.

Do you believe ‘everything happens for reason’?

I do, and I have found that this acceptance is one of the biggest keys in recovering from narcissistic abuse. I’m coming up to that part soon…

As you well know by now, the narcissist does not have this functionality – and no matter how much you would like him or her to grant you something, anything to help you gain closure – the narcissist has no perception, or desire to do that.

In fact your trying to gain closure keeps offering the narcissist A Grade Narcissistic Supply. It supplies attention, and the ability for the narcissist to feel incredibly important that you are so affected by what he or she has done.

Let’s face it, in the midst of narcissist abuse you met head on with lack of accountability, zero conscience and a total lack consideration for your feelings. If you didn’t receive decencies then, why would you now? Nothing has changed…

I know that we all have had the hope that somewhere, somehow the narcissist will get it…genuinely get it…and that this would mean, one day after breaking up, you would receive sanity, ownership, signs of regret and remorse…

In fact you may have seen these things before, but you know it doesn’t hold, and therefore these feelings are not genuinely felt or owned by the narcissist, and certainly are not, and will not be applied in his or her life, or dealings with you.

True Closure

Now I’m going to get to the ‘everything happens for a reason’ part. And this is crucially important because if we don’t believe everything happens for a reason, then we remain a victim.

Being a victim creates powerlessness.

Why? Because we are choosing to believe that life is non-sensical, random and cruel, and we are powerless in a threatening version of life. In fact we feel so powerless that we have to wait for external situations to fix the way we feel about life and ourselves.

This is incredibly fragile, precarious and dependent on things and people that we have no control over, simply because anything outside of our ‘self’ cannot be controlled.
The only control we ever have is with ourself.

There is no denying that narcissistic abuse is one of the most (if not the most) empowering opportunities (via total emotional devastation) to get aligned with your essential Life Truth that will set you free in every area of your life, and not just within relationships.

This truth is: The Creation Of Your Life Is Never Dependent On What Someone Else Is Or Isn’t Doing.

Through the experience of narcissistic abuse you were pulled out of your own power, and your entire feelings of Survival, Security and Identity became what the narcissist was or wasn’t doing.

This created your state of already existing codependency to be highlighted significantly, and allowed you to be abused.

When we recover from narcissistic abuse truly all of the illusions that something or someone outside of us is responsible for our state of self are released – because at True Self level anything or anyone else is ABSOLUTELY NOT responsible for us.

Your True Closure is this:

• What happened was meant to be for very important reasons.
• You hadn’t previously realised that your own lack of self-worth, self-love and poor boundary function attracted, allowed and enabled this to happen.
• Without this experience you would never have been able to clean up what you needed to in order to become empowered.
• You absolutely do have the resources within yourself and available in life to do this essential work on yourself.
• You can now become dedicated to yourself in order to create the life that is truly aligned with what you want, and
• This needed to happen, in order for you to create that alignment.

From where you are right now, this may seem to be a Quantum Leap – and I promise you, I’ve been there, I know what that feels like.

I can totally assure you, however, that when you do the right work on yourself, which is about claiming and healing your unhealed parts, that you will be grateful – incredibly grateful. Because you will know that your narcissistic abuse situation was in fact a co-created dance of divinity that allowed you finally to come home to yourself.

You will also know that there are no victims and no villains, and that you soul is always creating perfectly the circumstances and situation necessary for you to heal and become aligned with Who You Really Are. There are NO mistakes…

By accepting and knowing all of this you will be free to move forward and create…

and you will 100% know…

No-One Owes You Anything! It’s Not Their Job!

You owe YOU everything, and when you get THAT Right, you will effortlessly attract those people that add more of the same, and no longer play, struggle and obsess with those that don’t and can’t.

A Deeper Look At Idealize, Devalue, Discard!

What Does Idolisation Look Like?

Idolisation is when the narcissist treats you like “the newest shiniest toy”. And this is probably a really apt way to describe it – because idolisation is infatuation. It can look like love, but it is not love – it is obsession.

Obsession it is not an emotional extension of a stable, mature, loving person … rather it is a response from someone who does not have a whole and stable Inner Identity.

Obsession is all about self-medication to avoid the ever gnawing inner feelings of emptiness, aloneness, and being “defective” or “deficient”.

Narcissists need approval and lots of it. They need attention and lots of it.

This is not a mature person showing up, it’s an adult child presenting with unhealed inner wounds that have prevented the narcissist from having a secure sense of self. Leaving him or her with only one option – get that sense of self from “the outside” to continual feed a highly insecure ego that feels worthless and “dead” without attention.

In an intimate partner sense, what better way to get that than a new love relationship where two people seem to be infatuated by each other?

Because in such a phase there are often the gasps of “Ohhhhs” and “Aaaaahs” about each other. How you (new lover) are so much MORE attractive, clever, nicer, decent, sexier, better in bed, more amazing, successful, connected or whatever it is in comparison to the previous lovers before you.

Narcissists are great at convincing themselves of anything that makes them feel “high”. It’s magical childlike thinking … such as “How amazing, attractive and special I am!” and “How amazing, attractive and special my new partner is!”

Co-dependents who get caught up with narcissists don’t tend to apply the magical thinking to themselves, they are more likely to under-value themselves, but they are certainly very capable of over-valuing as narcissists do, their partners.

Yes, narcissists generally choose people with the goodies for “formal” relationships … looks, sexiness, money, deficient boundaries (aka known as “kind natures and struggle to say ‘No’”, which means easy extractions can take place), or whatever it is that bolsters the narcissist’s ego and makes him or her appear more special, envied, prestigious or powerful to the world.

These things to the narcissist are much more important than the person’s soul, true nature and relationship compatibility. A narcissist generally likes what they like (egoic satisfactions).

It should be noted, sexually a narcissist can be notoriously reckless and “not fussy”, but in a relationship sense there will be an egoic payoff, which the narcissist then boosts further, by telling him or herself over and over how AMAZING this new source of supply is.

The greater the narcissist believes the source of supply – the better the narcissist feels.

And naturally because the concept of the new partner is so magnified, it is not sustainable in any shape of form. It is a teetering pedestal made of cards, which inevitably will topple when the wind starts to blow.

For people who fall into this web of “fantasy idolisation”, it is heady, intoxicating and provides highs that are soaring.Love-bombing is the expression used for the idolisation stage.

It is likely that you will be presented with gifts, trips, special thoughtful acts , intense sex and there will be talk about the future and the permanence of your relationship as if you both feel like you have “known each other forever” and “the relationship will be forever.”

This puts people at ease and grants feeling of comfort and even relief that single life is eternally a thing of the past, because finally I have found “the true love of my life.” The love-bombing stage can last a few weeks, months or even more than a year in some cases.

Not only do people report that they have found their soulmate, they also report that this person reveres them like no other and they feel completely supported, understood, admired and loved in ways that no-one else has ever granted.

And what’s more the narcissist will profess to love every part of who you are, what you do and how you do it … and will usually want to join in and be a part of all of that.

This is not a genuine expression of admiration, it’s really more about the narcissist getting on board with the script in his or her head about how perfect and amazing you are.

How We Believed We Were Genuinely Loveable and Acceptable

What I really, really believe is so thoroughly intoxicating about the idolisation stage is that finally (usually for the first time) we feel like we have been able to fall in love and acceptance with ourselves.

This is what one Facebook Member wrote, “I look forward to it (the article) Melanie, especially about the idolizing stage. When I think back to the beginning I feel like I fell in love with myself. Is this part of the idolizing stage?”

What is so captivating about the idolisation stage is, we finally accept ourselves as who we are. We finally feel attractive regardless of those few extra pounds or wrinkles. We feel so adored through the narcissist’s proclamations of “unconditional love” that we begin to feel “worthy and valuable” just as we are.

We believe the quest of having to be different, better or prove ourselves in order for people to love us, is over.

We are getting from the narcissist all the feedback that we may have missed out on and craved desperately as children, which continued as a pattern for us as adults.

We feel “whole” and “in love” with ourselves.

But … just like obsession is NOT real love, loving ourselves through the proclamations of another … instead of a genuine connection between us and our own Inner Identity is NOT real.

“Unconditional love” from another is not unconditional. It is in fact terrifyingly precarious if we have not as yet established unconditional love within ourselves.

For two reasons … one … because people can only genuinely reflect back to us the level of love that we have for ourselves. So think about what I am about to say … what this means is if we ARE reliant on it, then it isn’t genuine – because we were not whole to begin with.

And … two … the fact that we are reliant on it means that once it is removed we will be hooked onto this person trying to force them to provide it for us again.

Little did we know that the idolisation (obsession) phase is a drug dealer / drug user set-up of co-dependency.

The narcissist needs your attention (any intense energy that allows the narcissist to know he or she “exists” –also known as’’narcissistic supply’’and you need the narcissist’s love and approval to relieve you from the pain of not having yet anchored inwards as your own source of love and approval.

The identical idolisation set up can happen if the narcissist has realised that the biggie for you is “security”. Maybe you are emotionally terrified about being able to cope and survive on your own, and the narcissist presents as the big strong shoulders, capable and successful provider, generous carer and sharer and “dependable life-long person” that eases and soothes these inner terrors.

That intense “relief” can feel as heady, intoxicating and “needed” as obsessional love.

And when the narcissist, who laid out the red carpet for you, pulls it out from under you – you feel like you are reeling and may even die.

That is what the next stage of the cycle, “devaluation”, is all about.

The Insidious Stage of Devaluation

As a result of the lovebombing phase, you are open and trusting with the narcissist – and even if you don’t realise it yet, your emotional life and wellbeing is in their hands.

The devaluation cycle begins as an over-lap in the idolisation stage, but because you are starry-eyed, loved-up and hooked, the ever so vague initial warning signs may go unnoticed, until they get so big there is no missing them.

Devaluation is known as “red flags”.

And really what it means is that the narcissist’s proclamations of valuing you like no otherwere not true, and the real evidence of the human value the narcissist really places on you comes forth.

It may be actions or words. It is likely to be both.

Let’s have a look at the actions first …

Actions such as:

• Having no concern whatsoever for you when you are in a potentially threatening situation.
• Being unavailable in times of sickness, need and distress, or angered or playing “tit for tat” when you are “in need”.
• Having a sexual condition (STD), having sex with you and not telling you about it.

There are countless examples, but I think you get the point – the point being your wellbeing and “self” is not valued and revered at all. Your physical health or mortality may even be at risk. These are all big red flags, and after being “so adored” will feel “off”, and “not right”.

And so they should, because people who have the ability to care for and respect others don’t behave this way.

However, because we are hooked on the “person who loves us like no other”, it is usual to make excuses and justifications for the behaviour – or choose to sweep it under the rug. The very rug that is getting ripped out centimetre by centimetre from under you.

What we don’t realise, until we start awakening, is that this deadly game is not just one of deception by the narcissist (which every False Self does by the very nature of being a False Self. Think “crocodile” and expecting it to roll over, wag its tail and play fetch) … because there is another side to the tale.

What we are doing is justifying away the red flags and our huge internal GPS screaming at us “danger danger”, because we are too hooked on the narcotic of “getting love and approval or security” and don’t want to risk losing it.

The facts are, by allowing such behaviour to be in our life, whilst justifying the red flags away, we are devaluing ourselves in the trade-off for our drug.

The Codependency That Makes Us Susceptible to Abuse

Naturally devaluation doesn’t just happen between a narcissist and a co-dependent lover. It can happen between any narcissist and their target, such as a narcissist and their child.

To help you understand the nature of co-dependency (being a target) as an adult and as a child – I want to first of all explain the following …

My definition of co-dependent is someone who is still trying to source self from outside of self.

In many ways this is a complete match up with a narcissist, except for these differences:

• The narcissist is taken over by a False Self (ego) that has annihilated the True Self beyond resuscitation.
• Co-dependents can up-level from False Self wounding (ego defences), reinstate their True Self and become whole.
• The narcissist due to such levels of emotional and mental dysfunction has become pathological, malfunctioning and conscienceless in his or her necessary quest for narcissistic supply.
• Co-dependents are only capable of acting out inhumanely under severe emotional survival stress (which the narcissist is emotionally undergoing constantly).
• When a narcissist acts out without consideration for others, he or she will not be capable of comprehending the misdeed, or taking moral responsibility, or being remorseful for the wrong doing (unless feigned).
• If the co-dependent acts out outside their normal functioning of integrity, he or she will tend towards being genuinely deeply disturbed and remorseful about their actions as soon as they are past the chemical unconsciousness of the survival stress.

The reason I am allowing you a deeper understanding of co-dependency is to let you know co-dependents are NOT conscienceless people – they are simply people who are precarious to narcissists because they have not as yet been able to develop a solid enough sense of self to be impervious to them.

This goes for ANY child targeted by a narcissistic family member, because all children are dependent on outside sources to build (program) their Inner Being. The same goes for wounded adult children, who had childhoods that did not allow them to develop a solid sense of self-worth, self-love, self-approval and effective self-soothing.

The narcissist plays on these “gaps” in the devaluation game by offering up all the idolisation necessary to “fill the gaps”. This means you will be hooked to the narcissist in unhealthy ways for the love, approval and / or security that feels missing on the inside, and then the narcissist will attack the very gaps that he or she has seemed to fill.

Most narcissistic devaluation has good smatterings of idolisation thrown in there as well, and this is what is meant by rolling out the red carpet for you, you standing on it feeling like you’re on top of the world, and then getting the rug ripped away leaving you on the ground … broken and devastated.

As one Facebook Member wrote: “I would love to know the subtle process of the devaluing phase as I would like to put words to exactly how my father (sociopath) actually did it. I saw what he did to my mother but he idolized me at the same time as destroying any real self worth … I am just beginning to unravel the devaluing dressed in charm.”

The “devaluing dressed in charm” is not obvious; at first the rug might just get a bit of a “flick” to start unbalancing you.

As another Facebook Member wrote: “I bet you have some insight into how the N devalues in a clandestine way, so that we feel blindsided. I would really appreciate your insight.”

I certainly hope I can explain this … the process of “hook and hurt”. And it is always around your biggest unconscious fears. This is how it goes: give you or tell you what you want to hear, in order to feel bonded to this person in an “I need you in my life” way, and then be so attached that they can hurt you profoundly and control you by using your greatest fears against you.

Devaluing happens through Trauma Bonding.If bonding didn’t happen you wouldn’t hang around for the intensifying punishment. When you understand the phenomenon of trauma bonding you can start to realise why hostages can feel like they have fallen in love with their captors. Because this captor has the power to relieve the terror of “I going to die” with “Yes, you can live today”.

The fact that the captor caused the terror in the first place is irrelevant. When we feel powerless and another adult becomes our source of life-force for good and bad we have unconsciously become a child bonded to a supposed all-supreme role model who we have handed our power over to and assigned as our parent.

The phenomenon that is the spasmodic “relief chemicals” can attach and addict us.

The relief is such a high that it feels like “love”.

The narcissist has identified, targeted and attacked your gaps (greatest insecurities), and then appears to be the saviour of those gaping, bleeding wounds by providing the intense “relief” of giving you what “you need” to feel better.

An example of an adult in an intimate relationship would be something like this: “You are pretty average in physique compared to most people your age. I think you would look younger if you worked out,” (devaluation) and then later saying, “You have a totally hot body, I can’t keep my hands off you” (idolisation).

Someone with body image issues would be very susceptible to these cycles of devaluation and idolisation … losing self-esteem with the devaluing messages and getting more and more dependent on the narcissist for the idolizing that momentarily provides relief from the poor self-image.

What is “clandestine” about it to us, is much more obviously “not okay” to people who didn’t have the wounds (gaps) that the narcissist hooks and hurts us with.

It’s so important to understand that when we are regressing back emotionally into a childhood wound, we are unconscious. We are likely to put up with all sorts of behaviours, because we are totally clueless as to what is really going on. This seems unfathomable to other people as they stand watching from the sidelines, shaking their heads at us.

The only reason that the abuse is obvious to them is because they are not wounded on that topic.

But when we are … we ignore gut feelings because we don’t as yet listen to or trust our Inner Being, and the cognitive comprehension that we have on that topic is likely to be at the age level that the wound was generated at in the first place.

We may literally be in an adult body showing up as the emotional age of a 3 year old – who feels powerless to comprehend how we are being diminished, or be able to pull away and look after ourselves.

We are more likely to do what a 3 year old would do. Take on feeling like we are wrong and to blame for what is happening to us.

Now let’s look at what happens in a “hook and hurt” scenario with a narcissistic parent and a child. An example would be something like this, “Mummy loves you – you are my favourite, special, beautiful child.” (idolisation) and then threatening, “You are such a bad child – I don’t want to be your Mother anymore.”(devaluing).

It’s important to understand that the narcissist is playing on gaps that are already there … as a child these gaps were inherent, we hadn’t yet developed a sense of self, and our wounds are likely to be replays of the insecurities and traumas and unconscious parenting of our earlier generations that have been passed on and played out by our parents, as well as their parents.

Epigenetics now proves that much of this (painful and traumatic self-identity programs) were passed on to us through our DNA and we were born with these traumas which were then amplified with the identical unconscious parenting – which then we continue to play out with others as adults.

But does this mean we are stuck with this trauma being in repeat for the rest of our lives – such as being hooked into “love figures” idolising and then devaluing us?

Or is there a way out?

This we need to understand – the child and wounded adult child being devalued by a narcissist have the same problem – a not as yet healed and developed Inner Identity.

As a child, yes we truly are powerless, but as adults we certainly aren’t – and the fact that the origin of the gap is in our body (regardless of who passed it on to us) and non-reliant of what any narcissist is or isn’t doing, is incredibly empowering … because we CAN take our power back by healing it and closing it.

And when we do, there will be NOTHING to hook us, reel us in, diminish our self-esteem, and render us helpless and dependent with anymore … because we are no longer needy for this “thing” (love, approval or security) from outside ourselves.

We have become a source of those previous “gaps” to ourselves.

Verbal Devaluing

The words, as well as the actions of the narcissist, are a significant devaluing weapon constructed to make you doubt yourself, strip self-esteem, confuse you and make you more dependent on the narcissist and less capable of standing up to or leaving the narcissist. Therefore not being able to pose as a threat to the narcissist’s precarious emotional inner landscape.

There are so many ways the narcissist can verbally devalue you – in fact the very dis-ease of narcissism provides devaluation as part of the course. A precarious False Self resting on a hairline trigger that could set off a narcissistic injury (a perceived attack to the ego), is always going to lash out and project the pain onto someone else.

This is especially likely and in fact inevitable when the gloss of the over-valuing of you starts to wear out and real life emerges. It is also likely that you have started questioning, speaking up, and trying to assert your rights.

The narcissist perceives this as a literal threat of annihilation to his highly insecure False Self. As far as the narcissist is concerned you are an “all” or “nothing” proposition. You either feed the False Self adequately – or you deserve punishment. Naturally, a trauma bonded and dependent target ensnared by a narcissist is highly susceptible to verbal devaluation.

Such as:

• Insults
• Gaslighting
• Threatening abandonment (verbally or physically)
• Withholding information, affection or sex
• Demanding entitlement to information, affection or sex
• Projecting blame
• Accusations

1. What is deeply important to understand is that the narcissist will tailor the abuse to your “gaps”.

Different narcissists act out completely different ways to devalue with different people. One narcissist may throw other women in his partner’s face – because that is what her “gap” is about – “I’m not good enough and another woman will replace me”, and yet the same narcissist may just disappear and be out of contact with another woman whose “fear of abandonment” programs run deep.

He would not throw other women in the second woman’s woman’s face because she would never tolerate that and would leave him. Instinctively he knows that is not her “gap” to play with.

Here is a powerful truth: We will never tolerate unwholesome and terrible behaviours in our life that we don’t have unwholesome and terrible wounding on.

And there lies our total key to getting out of the trauma cycles of being devalued – heal the gaps that we are being devalued on.

The Discard Phase

The narcissist discards you when your usefulness has run out. There is only one reason you were ever in the narcissist’s life – which was to provide “attention”. The energy that allows the narcissist to self-regulate his or her fragile and precarious False Self.

And if the “attention” you are providing is not good enough quality for the narcissist anymore, or if you have threatened the False Self in such a way that undermines the narcissist’s fabricated image, he or she may cease all investment in you and begin the quest to secure another source of better grade narcissistic supply.

Or maybe, a better narcissistic supply option has presented, and the narcissist suddenly removed him or herself to enmesh with the “newest shiniest toy”.

If you have incited the narcissist’s wrath (and many people do simply by trying to defend their own rights) the narcissist may discard you, turn you into “the enemy” and set out to tear your life apart piece by piece.

The discard phase is the last part of the cycle – but it may not be the end of the relationship. The narcissist may not discard permanently … in fact many often don’t, and that depends largely on what the person who has been discarded has running as painful insecurities (gaps).

If a narcissist discards you and knows that letting go and abandoning you hurts you intensely, then a narcissist may be very likely to stay away. He or she is getting the narcissistic supply (satisfaction) that this is really hurting you.

A narcissist knowing that someone else is in severe emotional pain over them, gains a great deal of significance. It goes like this, “If I can affect someone powerfully emotionally – it confirms how special I am.”

What it is really doing is confirming to the narcissistic that he or she EXISTS. The narcissist is the walking “empty soul” that is NOT real and full – so temporary highs of feeling “valid” are greatly valued and sought.

So, especially, if the narcissist is receiving feedback that you are severely affected by his or her departure, and you try to contact or make contact with others who know the narcissist, stalk or do the things that the narcissist knows about … he or she will love keeping it up to hear how hurt you are.

And creepily even if you just energetically emotionally hurt without creating any physical evidence … then still at a subconscious level the narcissist feels it, remains “fed” and will keep doing whatever provides “the feed” – which in this case is staying away.

People ask me all the time, “Why is the narcissist not hoovering and staying away from me?”

This is the answer … and the very fact people are asking, means they have not come to terms with it and are playing out their young wounds of feeling unlovable, not important, not valued and abandoned, that are still deep wounds from childhood.

The narcissist, in this case, as an A.I.D in your life (Angel in Disguise as a Narcissist) is smashing your greatest emotional wounds open, so that finally the submerged subconscious can emerge, become conscious and be healed.

And naturally this only happens when we stop trying to force the narcissist to be responsible for healing these wounds, and instead break away from the narcissist, go inwards, self-partner, meet ourselves and heal them ourselves.

People that DO heal these wounds are relieved (after the self-work) to be left alone by the narcissist, and never want them in their life again. They have evolved beyond whatever wounds it was that was hooking them to the narcissist … and then the narcissist then becomes No Longer Their Reality

Our Lives Dish Up the Pain Until We Learn What We Need to Learn From it

Why would a narcissist discard, and then start the cycles of idolising again?

At a human level we could think “We were trying again”, “Maybe he or she is coming to his / her senses? But what we experience in toxic relationships is the same issues … and the issues intensifying in drama and frequency.

What is really happening is two wounded children in adult bodies are trying to hold the other person responsible for their wounds. We may think the narcissist is the all-powerful in-charge person (adult) hurting us – but the very opposite is true – the narcissist is never going to face his or her wounds and grow up.

But we can.

And when we do, we evolve ourselves beyond needing to play out these relationships anymore.

When you are still hooked in by your wounds, you are susceptible. The narcissist knows you are available as narcissistic supply and can take up with you again.

Because you became precarious supply or the narcissist had already broken away from you, it is very likely that there are now other sources of supply on the scene. These may be momentarily low or the narcissist like any addict is simply being greedy for supply (more is best), or you may be being used as a tool to punish the current partner.

If you have been discarded by a narcissistic parent (or any other person) you may be recruited again for the agenda of doing some task for this person that they don’t want to do themselves, or used to replace some other person who has walked away, or for some other unwholesome reason – such as: an ego feed to see if you can be drawn back in again.

The cycle of violence and the cycles of idolisation, devalue and discard go hand in hand .

This is the parallel …

Reunite (Cycle of Violence) / Idolisation (Cycle of IDD) – Tension builds (Cycle of Violence) / Devalue (Cycle of IDD) – Act of violence (Cycle of Violence) / Discard (Cycle of IDD).

This cycle can repeat many times – and it is no compliment if it does, because it gets more dangerous and more frequent every time it does.

This is NOT about being “truly loved” or the “narcissist coming to their senses”.

And we get so empty and stripped of self that we may hang on for any crumb from the other person to try to make our terror, anguish, emptiness and panic go away – while the damage and the pain just gets worse and worse.

Life has a way of turning up the volume trying to evict us out of situations that we are not learning our lessons from – so that we can be alone and assimilate and heal those lessons.

If we don’t “get it” the torture intensifies.

The Silent Treatment: A Narcissist’s Trick of the Trade of Emotional Abuse:

If you have encountered a narcissist in love, work or family, then you surely have experienced the dreaded silent treatment, a tactic used by psychological abusers (including extreme narcissists) to hold power and control in their relationships. As written about extensively in the recent wave of articles on narcissistic abuse, an extreme narcissist is an individual, male or female, who targets other people for sources of narcissistic supply (or ego fuel) to fill their empty psychological voids. Most always, an extreme (or malignant) narcissist will engage in such emotional abuse tactics as gaslighting, hoovering, love-bombing, and the silent treatment, among others.

More specifically, in relationships with an extreme narcissist, the toxic partner (whether boss, lover, friend or family member) seeks to consistently take the position of one-up in which they are always in control and in power. When the narcissistic supply source (a supervisee, family member, lover, friend) is providing “good supply,” (or ego fuel) they are placating the whims of the narcissist, providing adulation, praise, attention, disgust, horror, or any type of reaction that makes the abuser appear to be powerful and important. The extreme narcissist’s ego is soothed when sources of ego fuel are behaving appropriately, in the narcissist’s mind. It’s as if the extreme narcissistic were developmentally stunted at age five. Picture two children playing on a merry-go-round. As long as the narcissist is being admired for his skill riding the prettiest, shiniest pony, the playmate will continue to be “privileged” with the presence of the narcissist.

However, as is inevitable in any type of relationship with an extreme narcissist, the target serving the role of narcissistic supply will ultimately fail to provide “good ego fuel.” Sooner or later, the lover/partner/family member/supervisee tires of the energy drain connected with supplying the psychologically impoverished narcissist. In time, “good” suppliers of narcissistic supply disappoint or even create what experts call a narcissistic injury in the narcissist. The target sets a healthy limit, questions the intentions of the narcissist, or requests a compromise, all of which are healthy communication tools. The narcissist, however, becomes enraged that his/her uniqueness is in question. Instead of taking constructive criticism, owning responsibility for his/her transgressions, and showing empathy for their ego supply source, the narcissist is incapable of compromise or any of the above healthy communication tools and instead lashes out at the mere suggestion of accommodating a healthy communication style. The target failed to admire the narcissist’s pretty pony and cowboy-style of riding on the merry-go-round.

Enter the silent treatment. What frequently ensues in the relationship cycle with a narcissist is the pattern of idealize, devalue, discard, The narcissist’s ego cannot tolerate the idea that his core identity is not so important to his ego fuel source, such that others would question his omnipotence and entitlement. Therefore, the extreme narcissist feels threatened that that target (who is like a mirror, reflecting back to the narcissist that he exists), is ceasing to provide adequate narcissistic supply. The narcissist’s very existence is threatened on a psychological level, to the point that he fears complete annihilation of his central core identity. His ego is that fragile. The narcissist pouts, refuses to share his cowboy hat, jumps of the merry-go-round, and runs off to the jungle gym, leaving his playmate mystified and spinning alone, dizzy with confusion. No more narcissist. Gone. Poof. In the wink of an eye.

Your head will eventually stop spinning from the merry-go-round adventure in time. For now, you must connect with competent and compassionate psychological support from caring and informed helping professionals. Some support forums may be helpful. Read all you can about narcissistic abuse. You can and will recover, even in the aftermath of emotional pain. As for the extreme narcissist, he is destined to be alone on his throne in the playground.

The Toxic Attraction Between an Empath & a Narcissist.

I am an empath. I discovered I was an empath after I got involved in a very deep and highly destructive relationship with a narcissist.

I am writing this article from the perspective of an empath, however, would love to read the view from the opposite side if there are any narcissists that would like to offer their perception on this.

Through writing about the empath personality type I have connected with many other people who class themselves as an empath and time and again I have heard people tell me how they have also attracted relationships with narcissists.

This is my theory…

From my own experience and studies on the narcissist personality type, there is always one core trait: A narcissist is wounded.

Something, somewhere along the line, usually stemming from childhood causes a person to feel worthless and unvalued and, due to this, they will constantly and very desperately seek validation.

Here comes the empath, the healer. An empath has the ability to sense and absorb other people’s pain and often takes it on as though it were their own. If an empath is not consciously aware of boundaries and does not understand how to protect themselves, they will very easily and very quickly bond with the narcissist in order to try to fix and repair any damage and attempt to eradicate all their pain.

What the empath fails to realise is that the narcissist is a taker. An energy sucker, a vampire so to speak. They will draw the life and soul out of anyone they come into contact with, given the chance. This is so that they can build up their own reserves and, in doing so, they can use the imbalance to their advantage.

This dynamic will confuse and debilitate an empath, as if they do not have a full understanding of their own or other people’s capabilities, they will fail to see that not everyone is like them. An empath will always put themselves into other people’s shoes and experience the feelings, thoughts and emotions of others, while forgetting that other people may have an agenda very different to their own and that not everyone is sincere.

The narcissist’s agenda is one of manipulation, it is imperative they are in a position whereby they can rise above others and be in control. The empath’s agenda is to love, heal and care. There is no balance and it is extremely unlikely there ever will be one. The more love and care an empath offers, the more powerful and in control a narcissist will become.

The more powerful the narcissist becomes, the more likely the empath will retreat into a victim status. Then, there is a very big change—the empath will take on narcissistic traits as they too become wounded and are constantly triggered by the damage being in the company with a narcissist creates. Before long, an extremely vicious circle has begun to swirl.

When a narcissist sees that an empath is wounded they will play on this and the main intention will be to keep the empath down. The lower down an empath becomes, the higher a narcissist will feel. An empath will begin to frantically seek love, validation, confirmation and acceptance from a narcissist and each cry for help as such will affirm to the narcissist what they are desperate to feel inside—worthy. A bitter battle can ensue.

As an empath focuses solely on their pain, trauma and the destruction of their lives, they become self-obsessed and fail to see where the damage is coming from. Instead of looking outwards and seeing what is causing it, the empath will turn everything inward and blame themselves.

An empath at this stage must realise the situation they are in and wake up to it, as anyone who is deeply in pain and has been hurt can then become a narcissist themselves as they turn their focus onto their own pain and look for others to make them feel okay again.

Any attempt to communicate authentically with the narcissist will be futile as they will certainly not be looking to soothe and heal anyone else. Not only this, they are extremely charismatic and manipulative and have a powerful way of turning everything away from themselves and onto others. A narcissist will blame their own pain on an empath, plus they will also make sure the empath feels responsible for the pain they too are suffering.

An empath will know that they are in a destructive relationship by this stage and will feel so insecure, unloved and unworthy and it can be easy to blame all of their destruction onto the narcissist.

However, an empath should not be looking to blame anyone else. An empath has a choice, to remain the victim, a pawn in the narcissists game or to garner all strength they can muster and find a way out.

Emotionally exhausted, lost, depleted and debilitated an empath will struggle to understand what has happened to the once loving, attentive and charismatic person they were attracted to.

However we allow ourselves to be treated is a result of our own choices. If an empath chooses to stay in a relationship with a narcissist and refuses to take responsibility for the dynamic, they are choosing at some level what they believe they are worth on the inside. An empath cannot let their self-worth be determined by a narcissist. It is imperative they trust and believe in themselves enough to recognise that they are not deserving of the words and actions the narcissist delivers and to look for an escape.

In an empath’s eyes, all they searched and looked for was someone to take care of and love and to ultimately fix.” That is where the trouble began and that is the most profound part of this that an empath must realise.

We are not here to fix anyone. We cannot fix anyone. Everyone is responsible for and capable of fixing themselves, but only if they so choose to.

The more an empath can learn about the personality of a narcissist the sooner they will spot one and the less chance they have of developing a relationship with one. If a relationship is already underway, it is never too late to seek help, seek understanding and knowledge and to dig deep into one’s soul and recognise our own strengths and capabilities and do everything we can to build the courage and confidence to see it for what it is and walk away—for good.

The chance of a narcissist changing is highly unlikely, so we shouldn’t stick around waiting for it to happen. If a narcissist wants to change, then great, but it should never happen at the expense of anyone else. They are not consciously aware of their behaviour and the damage it causes and in their game they will sacrifice anyone and anything for their own gain—regardless of what pretty lies and sweet nothings they try to whisper.

An empath is authentic and is desperate to live true to their soul’s purpose and will very likely find the whole relationship a huge lesson, a dodged bullet and painfully awakening.

A narcissist will struggle to have any connection to their authentic self and will likely walk away from the relationship very easily once they realise they have lost their ability to control the empath. The game is no longer pleasurable if they are not having their ego constantly stroked, so they will seek out their next victim.

The ability for these two types to bond is quite simply impossible. The narcissist’s heart is closed, an empath’s is open—it is nothing short of a recipe for a huge disaster, and not a beautiful one.

Peace, Love and Happiness.

AXL SALVATOR - RavenHeart .