If you didn't get married at 40 to end up alone, why then weren't you willing to work on things that were causing repeated patterns in the relationship? Why run away instead of being willing to listen to how your WIFE your life partner felt about things and how your mental illness (which you fully admit having) was causing you problems. Why just chalk it up to "bad luck" and run away? Do you think it will be better next time - that the next woman won't want the same thing?
Your love is conditional but you want unconditional love in return. Your condition is you only love if you are happy with your job.
My love was so unconditional that I let it destroy me.
The second I put a request - not even a condition - of a boundary for you to respect me - you threw me away and turned on me.
You. Did. Not. Try. You. Ran.
Wednesday, February 27, 2019
He is a snake
They will send the next door neighbor to talk to you and tell you how the called crying... They will make false promises and tell you what you want to hear like "I married you because we communicated on a spiritual level" or "I will always take care of you even if you won't take me back" and "if you don't take me back I deserve it." THEN when you fucking take them back and ask them for TIME and ask them to work on the root of the problem they basically say "fuck you" or "we can't communicate" or "Am I supposed to spend the rest of my life kissing your ass" or "I don't know why you are hanging that shelf I AM MOVING I AM LEAVING". Then when you start to have an emotional breakdown because of the outright lies and realizing you were hoovered and used once again (because he had nowhere else to go) he just rolls his eyes and shows downright contempt at the mere sound of your voice or your mere presence in the room. He lies and gets away with murder. But if I dare say "one day the truth will enter your soul and you will feel bad about this and realize I am telling the truth, then he says "don't threaten me."
happen at home but NEVER outside
That is why he says "you are the only one I have this problem with."
Tuesday, February 26, 2019
Yes, every single time I opened my mouth
he sighed and muttered these words or looked up to heaven and said "Ya Rab" or “Astaghfirullah” He looked at me with disdain and contempt because I was attempting to speak and say how I felt or something I need him to hear or do. Please don't be fooled by his charm in public. He will do this to you behind closed doors especially when things are happening in his life he doesn't understand or can't control.
Why
why god why did I matter to no one
Except the one who treated me like this
And abandoned me
Why did you make my life so worthless
that no one loved me or noticed me
or remembered or cared
No mother
no father
no husband
no sister
no brother
Why did you put me in this world
to be totally alone and to die invisible
unnoticed
Why did you show love only from someone
who was not capable of love
Why did you put me in this world for only
This pain.
Please god let me leave this horrible place.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I can’t go on.
Why do you leave me here when I would
gladly change places with someone who
wants to be.
There is nothing here for me.
Except the one who treated me like this
And abandoned me
Why did you make my life so worthless
that no one loved me or noticed me
or remembered or cared
No mother
no father
no husband
no sister
no brother
Why did you put me in this world
to be totally alone and to die invisible
unnoticed
Why did you show love only from someone
who was not capable of love
Why did you put me in this world for only
This pain.
Please god let me leave this horrible place.
I don’t want to be here anymore.
I can’t go on.
Why do you leave me here when I would
gladly change places with someone who
wants to be.
There is nothing here for me.
Yes, the do think and behave like children
This is why it is so difficult to have a rational conversation with a narcissist.
My big mistake, was I kept talking to him as if he was a normal person and
expecting him to "just get it." He is never going to GET IT. His brain is stunted
somewhere in late teen years. He is in an adult body and can act like an adult most
of the time except when it comes to emotional reactions.
From: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjeldstad
My big mistake, was I kept talking to him as if he was a normal person and
expecting him to "just get it." He is never going to GET IT. His brain is stunted
somewhere in late teen years. He is in an adult body and can act like an adult most
of the time except when it comes to emotional reactions.
From: Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Margalis Fjeldstad
must address responsibility
“Toxic people must hold and address the responsibility for their actions.” – Shannon Thomas
Monday, February 25, 2019
how could i have known
How could I have known how to handle the situation when I had no idea what was happening. I always treated Wael like a "normal" person when in fact, nothing about how you speak or deal with a borderline narcissist is normal. They are a child trapped in an adult's body. They only see the present - never the future or past - and they believe what they feel is always going to be there. They think everyone thinks and feels the same was as them. So many things I never knew. I loved that man. I loved that man. I loved that man. I never had any idea what I was dealing with.
Sierra is here
There has been a shadow moving up and down my hallway.
I have been seeing someone walking in the hall (I live alone).
My dog Allie has been suddenly jumping up and barking at something
in the hallway.
Today I saw something move in the hallway out of the corner of my eye.
I turned and saw both of my dogs beside me on the couch.
It wasn't them.
Then a few minutes later I looked down and saw this:
I have been seeing someone walking in the hall (I live alone).
My dog Allie has been suddenly jumping up and barking at something
in the hallway.
Today I saw something move in the hallway out of the corner of my eye.
I turned and saw both of my dogs beside me on the couch.
It wasn't them.
Then a few minutes later I looked down and saw this:
A black dog whisker.
I thought it was Allies but then I noticed all her whiskers are white.
It is too big to be the chihuahua's.
It is a Sierra whisker.
I always used to find Sierra's whiskers on the carpet.
I always saved them in a little tin.
Now today, 4 years after her passing - today I find a whisker from Sierra.
Right under the very spot I sit and sleep and live on the couch.
She is here. Along with a man who keeps walking up and down in my long hallway.
I live on the couch now. I sleep there every day and every night, yet I freeze under the
blankets.
There is a spirit in this house.
If we believe in the good - we have to believe in the evil.
The evil that exists in the world through soulless and heartless unempathic narcissists
who easily destroy.
Wael himself once said to me - if we are going to make it you have to help me get rid of this evil thing inside of me.
Stress
Wael elevated my stress and anxiety levels the minute he disappeared in June of 2015. They have been elevated since. When he escalated his abuse levels in 2015 and 2016, when he pushed all my buttons and eventually caused me to snap... even after he left when I knew I was facing a hard life of struggle and suffering financially as a result of decisions I made based on having a husband - a life partner there with me. Wael denies any wrong doing - only passes of a half hearted "well we BOTH hurt each other." If he would only examine his behavior toward me and then he would understand my REACTIONS. I was a desperate person. I was a person driven by stress 100%. I stopped having any menstrual cycle suddenly in early 2016 at an early age. My physical appearance has changed. I suddenly have gained weight, can't sleep, or do nothing but sleep alternatively. Suffer from bizarre dreams, nightmares, chasing dreams...
He may think we are responsible for our own happiness in life. It's a cop out. It's what someone told him when he bemoans my existence to the new sources in his life the way he once ranted to me about this bitch in Brazil who caused him to lose everything. No Wael. How you treat people in life matters. If you had taken a knife and plunged it into my back killing me you would have been held accountable for murder. But because you used words and emotional weapons and killed me with STRESS you get away with it and think you are not responsible.
YOU. ARE. RESPONSIBLE.
I was stupid for staying with you - like every abuse victim I saw your redeeming qualities and believed you could and would change. With each "I'm sorry, I know I am hard to live with, I will never do it again" that I heard from you I BELIEVED IT. I had hope where there was none and you only said to yourself "why does she love me?" You knew exactly what you were doing. The destruction and the erosion of my person and soul was obvious to you but all you could do was say "well you have changed so we can't be together anymore." Who changed me Wael? Or a better question is WHAT changed me? You did.
You may have gotten away with it in this life. Took off and ran away and "moved on" as if none of it ever happened. But you WILL be held accountable. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much you are able to forget my face, me voice, my memory - I am written on your soul and what you have done to me is recorded. My blood is on your hands.
He may think we are responsible for our own happiness in life. It's a cop out. It's what someone told him when he bemoans my existence to the new sources in his life the way he once ranted to me about this bitch in Brazil who caused him to lose everything. No Wael. How you treat people in life matters. If you had taken a knife and plunged it into my back killing me you would have been held accountable for murder. But because you used words and emotional weapons and killed me with STRESS you get away with it and think you are not responsible.
YOU. ARE. RESPONSIBLE.
I was stupid for staying with you - like every abuse victim I saw your redeeming qualities and believed you could and would change. With each "I'm sorry, I know I am hard to live with, I will never do it again" that I heard from you I BELIEVED IT. I had hope where there was none and you only said to yourself "why does she love me?" You knew exactly what you were doing. The destruction and the erosion of my person and soul was obvious to you but all you could do was say "well you have changed so we can't be together anymore." Who changed me Wael? Or a better question is WHAT changed me? You did.
You may have gotten away with it in this life. Took off and ran away and "moved on" as if none of it ever happened. But you WILL be held accountable. No matter how much time passes, no matter how much you are able to forget my face, me voice, my memory - I am written on your soul and what you have done to me is recorded. My blood is on your hands.
Discard and run is the MO
He must be surrounded by supply that does NOT know WHO and WHAT he is. So discard and run. I wasn't the first, I won't be the last. He will discard (ABANDON) everyone who sees the real him or questions or challenges his delusions.
Sunday, February 24, 2019
Narcspeak #5
He says: "We can't communicate."
TRANSLATION: I don't understand what you are saying and I probably won't like it anyway so I am just going to deflect on you now until you get pissed off and start crying or yelling at me because I don't listen to you.
TRANSLATION: I don't understand what you are saying and I probably won't like it anyway so I am just going to deflect on you now until you get pissed off and start crying or yelling at me because I don't listen to you.
I never saw it coming - was used
He tried to warn me about what a piece of shit he was. If he was truly sick and did not know what he did, if I had not witnessed him turn it on and off at will, if it had truly been due to a "mental illness" that he could not control - then maybe I would forgive.
But I will NEVER forgive the person who threw someone he loved under a moving train to protect his own ego. Who DESTROYED a human soul that he was supposed to love.
Who REFUSES to face himself.
NO, he knew what he was doing from the minute he said "don't marry me I will ruin your life."
Fuck that and Fuck you.
Narcspeak 4
He said: "I wish you the best."
TRANSLATION: I just don't want to deal with anything I did to you so I'm going to go slip away in a heartbeat like I had nothing at all to do with it. I'm going to pretend we were just good friends who mutually decided to go our separate ways. I'm not going to think about any of it anymore and I'm going to pretend none of it ever happened. In my mind it didn't anyway. You were the stupid one who loved me unconditionally. But I can turn off my feelings at the drop of a dime so too bad that I destroyed who you are as a person - good luck dealing with it for the rest of your life.
TRANSLATION: I just don't want to deal with anything I did to you so I'm going to go slip away in a heartbeat like I had nothing at all to do with it. I'm going to pretend we were just good friends who mutually decided to go our separate ways. I'm not going to think about any of it anymore and I'm going to pretend none of it ever happened. In my mind it didn't anyway. You were the stupid one who loved me unconditionally. But I can turn off my feelings at the drop of a dime so too bad that I destroyed who you are as a person - good luck dealing with it for the rest of your life.
Narspeak 3
He said: "I tried and it didn't work."
TRANSLATION: I didn't try anything and I don't have any intention of doing so because you want me to face painful things in myself and I will NEVER do that. Therefore, if I can't convince you that the problem lies with YOU - that YOU do things that piss me off, and YOU don't know how to communicate - then I guess you are just shit out of luck. I'll stick around if you admit YOU are the problem, but I'll be damned to admit I have been regularly abusing you. No way. Never going to happen.
TRANSLATION: I didn't try anything and I don't have any intention of doing so because you want me to face painful things in myself and I will NEVER do that. Therefore, if I can't convince you that the problem lies with YOU - that YOU do things that piss me off, and YOU don't know how to communicate - then I guess you are just shit out of luck. I'll stick around if you admit YOU are the problem, but I'll be damned to admit I have been regularly abusing you. No way. Never going to happen.
Narcspeak 2
He says: "I've moved on."
TRANSLATION: I started looking for a new woman even while we were still married and under the same roof because I knew if I found another sucker, I could move out and away from you. Either way, I didn't want to stay and have to deal with facing myself like you wanted me to do so it was easier to run away and tell everyone "it just didn't work out."
Narcspeak
He says: "I know how to make people like me."
TRANSLATION: I can put on any mask and pretend to be anything so that I can fool people into believing I am that thing. I know it works because I do it all the time.
TRANSLATION: I can put on any mask and pretend to be anything so that I can fool people into believing I am that thing. I know it works because I do it all the time.
Saturday, February 23, 2019
Narcissism explained in the Bible
But mark this: There will be terrible times in the last days. 2 People will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boastful, proud, abusive, disobedient to their parents, ungrateful, unholy, 3 without love, unforgiving, slanderous, without self-control, brutal, not lovers of the good, 4 treacherous, rash, conceited, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God— 5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. Have nothing to do with such people.
6 They are the kind who worm their way into homes and gain control over gullible women, who are loaded down with sins and are swayed by all kinds of evil desires, 7 always learning but never able to come to a knowledge of the truth.8 Just as Jannes and Jambres opposed Moses, so also these teachers oppose the truth. They are men of depraved minds, who, as far as the faith is concerned, are rejected. 9 But they will not get very far because, as in the case of those men, their folly will be clear to everyone.
When he walked into our home for the first time
When he walked into our new home for the first time he said "I'm not even going to bond with this place because I'm not going to be here that long."
It never occurred to me at the time, that he felt the same way about me. His bond to me was superficial. It did not go below the surface. He saw me as a "thing" as a thing that existed in his life, but he did not LOVE me deeply and was not bonded to me. I was as disposable as the next thing.
YOU have to change - not them
They want you to do all the work.
All the forgiving
All the forgetting
All the changing
But they don't do any and can't do any
But they falsely believe that if YOU change THEY are somehow different
They see you as the problem all along. Your silly feelings.
Your silly needs like a back rub.
Your silly reactions to holding in years of abuse so that when you finally explode they can walk up to you and say "what do you want? Do you want me to move out?"
Like a drunk person never lies - a narcissist tells you their real intentions when they see you in pain. THEIR intentions.
They see you as the problem all along. Your silly feelings.
Your silly needs like a back rub.
Your silly reactions to holding in years of abuse so that when you finally explode they can walk up to you and say "what do you want? Do you want me to move out?"
Like a drunk person never lies - a narcissist tells you their real intentions when they see you in pain. THEIR intentions.
No. You will never be different. You will never change.
You will only change your surroundings and the people in your life and THINK you have changed.
You will always be a pathetic and insecure excuse for a man who will destroy and walk away from true loyalty and dedication for a quick fix to your ego.
what is projection
projection is when the abusive person tries to convince you that you are doing what they are.
Example:
Wael often told me he can't believe anything that comes out of my mouth because I always lie.
I even have him recorded telling me this. Of course it caused me to fly into a rage - any false accusation does. But what Wael was really saying was: I AM A LIAR. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING OUT OF MY MOUTH.
He projected his negative aspects on to me.
It is directly related to how unhappy he is with himself. When he was miserable because he had to work in a shoe store instead of the oil and gas field, he could not be happy or grateful for what he had. Instead he felt miserable inside so he took it out on me. Wael was miserable a lot. He also told me I was miserable. Another classic projection. He was admitting his own feelings.
If you want to know how your narcissist feels - just listen to the things he says to you. Projection.
Example:
Wael often told me he can't believe anything that comes out of my mouth because I always lie.
I even have him recorded telling me this. Of course it caused me to fly into a rage - any false accusation does. But what Wael was really saying was: I AM A LIAR. YOU CAN'T BELIEVE ANYTHING OUT OF MY MOUTH.
He projected his negative aspects on to me.
It is directly related to how unhappy he is with himself. When he was miserable because he had to work in a shoe store instead of the oil and gas field, he could not be happy or grateful for what he had. Instead he felt miserable inside so he took it out on me. Wael was miserable a lot. He also told me I was miserable. Another classic projection. He was admitting his own feelings.
If you want to know how your narcissist feels - just listen to the things he says to you. Projection.
gaslight
After he no longer had any need for me in his life, Wael said "can't you see we are not compatible" constantly. No. I didn't see that. What I saw was someone attempting to gaslight me into believing that. What I saw was someone who was just, once again, trying to discard me. I am not stupid. I also know there were others. All those secretive phone calls... All the texting that he would stop once I walked into the room.
I never expected this man to be the piece of shit he turned out to be. But he said it himself.
"I will ruin your life."
I never expected this man to be the piece of shit he turned out to be. But he said it himself.
"I will ruin your life."
Citizenship
Wael may not have entered into this marriage with the intention of using me for us citizenship, but at some point that became a convenience for him. After he had it, he no longer had the motivation to work on the relationship. No more apologizing for hurting me etc. from that moment in he thought only Of himself. Things he had said all along led me to believe that was his intention.
That became his intention.
That became his intention.
Friday, February 22, 2019
sorry not sorry
Sorry the nervous breakdown I had because of your horrible treatment of me made you fear for YOUR life
what this man did
What this man did to me was selfish and unjustified.
And he knew exactly what he was doing.
"DON'T MARRY ME I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE"
You don't say those words to the woman who loves you if it is all unintentional.
No. Narcissist= selfish, abusive, manipulative and uses people
And he knew exactly what he was doing.
"DON'T MARRY ME I WILL RUIN YOUR LIFE"
You don't say those words to the woman who loves you if it is all unintentional.
No. Narcissist= selfish, abusive, manipulative and uses people
Thursday, February 21, 2019
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