he spent one night

He spent one night in a salvation army shelter and wanted to kill himself.

I spent 8 years trying to love someone who saw me

as

the enemy

Pushed me away at every opportunity

Deflected anytime I tried to talk

Shut me down more than he built me up

Projected his own fear onto me

Spun me around like a yo-yo

and then

then

told me he didn't need anything from me anymore so he was leaving

he pushed my buttons and pushed until

i snapped

literally and figuratively

he knew what he was doing

he wanted me to say the words:  GET OUT

because then he could spend the rest of his life saying I threw him out

All I wanted

All I wanted was for him to work on the problem.

I knew it would be hard.

I even knew it was close to impossible for him to ever ever be normal.

But I was willing to walk through the fire with him.

I never asked him to kiss my ass.

I only asked him to stop hurting me.

Then

because he didn't want to deal with the truth inside himself

he left

and never looked back.

not a care about me or what he did to me

only a delusion that it was all in my head

even though i have recordings of the abuse that I lived with consistently

and systematically.

that evil thing he knew was inside of him

that he asked me to help get rid of

I tried

i tried

i tried

i loved him . i really fucking loved him

tears

tears

tears

stream down my face everyday

that someone i believed to be so real to me was never real

tears for the one i loved who made me believe he loved me

but who could so easily throw me away

He spent one night in a salvation army shelter and wanted to kill himself.

Yet I have wanted to die every day for the last 4 years and

he says that is not acceptable.