Stress

Wael elevated my stress and anxiety levels the minute he disappeared in June of 2015.  They have been elevated since.  When he escalated his abuse levels in 2015 and 2016, when he pushed all my buttons and eventually caused me to snap... even after he left when I knew I was facing a hard life of struggle and suffering financially as a result of decisions I made based on having a husband - a life partner there with me.  Wael denies any wrong doing - only passes of a half hearted "well we BOTH hurt each other."  If he would only examine his behavior toward me and then he would understand my REACTIONS.  I was a desperate person.  I was a person driven by stress 100%.  I stopped having any menstrual cycle suddenly in early 2016 at an early age.  My physical appearance has changed.  I suddenly have gained weight, can't sleep, or do nothing but sleep alternatively.  Suffer from bizarre dreams, nightmares, chasing dreams...  

He may think we are responsible for our own happiness in life.  It's a cop out.  It's what someone told him when he bemoans my existence to the new sources in his life the way he once ranted to me about this bitch in Brazil who caused him to lose everything.  No Wael.  How you treat people in life matters.  If you had taken a knife and plunged it into my back killing me you would have been held accountable for murder.  But because you used words and emotional weapons and killed me with STRESS you get away with it and think you are not responsible.  
YOU. ARE. RESPONSIBLE.
I was stupid for staying with you - like every abuse victim I saw your redeeming qualities and believed you could and would change.  With each "I'm sorry, I know I am hard to live with, I will never do it again" that I heard from you I BELIEVED IT.  I had hope where there was none and you only said to yourself "why does she love me?"  You knew exactly what you were doing.  The destruction and the erosion of my person and soul was obvious to you but all you could do was say "well you have changed so we can't be together anymore."  Who changed me Wael?  Or a better question is WHAT changed me?  You did.  
You may have gotten away with it in this life.  Took off and ran away and "moved on" as if none of it ever happened.  But you WILL be held accountable.  No matter how much time passes, no matter how much you are able to forget my face, me voice, my memory - I am written on your soul and what you have done to me is recorded.  My blood is on your hands.