There was no hope

They turn on your in a heartbeat.
They cannot take responsibility for what they did to you.
They think they did nothing wrong and you are over reacting.
They think that they had a reason to have to forgive YOU
because you reacted to their abuse.

I still cry everyday.
I still cry everyday.
I still cry everyday.

I did nothing to him to deserve this.

I hope after I am gone Wael will feel the same guilt he felt when his mother died.
I doubt it though.  He had no guilt when Deanne died.

But I hope when I am gone he will think about it.
About how he destroyed me.
I hope he can have one of those moments of clarity he had like when I would
go stay in a hotel to avoid having to deal with it.  I would get a phone call
the next morning "honey please come home I am sorry."
Or the time I bought him t-shirts and he said "even when you are mad at me
you still think of me."
Yes, I did I always thought of him.  Mad or not.  Because I have whole object constancy.

I hope he has a moment of clarity like he had when Sierra died and he looked at
me and said "Do you even still love me? " because he knew how horrible he was to me
on a daily basis. 
Not big things or one big thing - but a slow and insidious process of not listening
NOT HEARING ME

Or the time he sat and cried twice, because he was so afraid of losing me
like the day I left Cairo to return to the US.

I hope when I am gone - he will remember the feeling.
I hope when I am gone he will feel sad and feel guilt
enough to spend the rest of his life looking forward to when he
gets to heaven so he can set it straight.

There will be a long line of women waiting for that in heaven.